Day 57

So, I told a friend yesterday that I was tired of myself. Announced it to the facebook world this morning too. I am so tired of screwing up as I'm trying to make it to this goal. Why am I not motivated enough to stick to my guns? Why is the reward that I am promising myself for every ten pounds lost, not enough to keep me from grabbing a bag of Cheetos? I'm just sick of the excuses I continue to make...I don't feel good, I'm about to get my period, I deserve to mess up a little because I've been 'good', I need to get to the grocery store, etc.

And here is the kicker...I don't want to try anything else. I know how to eat pretty well, I know how to get to the gym...I don't want to try this diet plan or that one, or that workout machine or this one. My attitude is pretty poor at the moment, I guess. I just want this to happen. Maybe 2009 was not such a good year for me. I lost weight pretty easy. I made a few changes and it just came off. The official total was 38.5 pounds in one year. Now I don't seem to know how to do the 'real' work. Most of that weight loss happened in the first eight months. The last six months has resulted in the same 4 or 5 pounds being lost and gained again and again. It's easy to see, when looking at the diary I'm keeping of the food I am eating, just why this happens. I want a healthy lifestyle but am unwilling to give up ALL of the unhealthy stuff. And then I either sabotage myself by buying stuff I know I shouldn't have, or someone else brings it into the house, and I can't seem to resist. Blah, blah, blah....SEE! You have got to be sick of hearing this stuff over and over again too!

I am finally going to go reward myself for 40 pounds lost today. I am getting a massage. I LOVE getting massages. I wish I could get them every day, or every week at least! I have made this my reward for every 10 pounds lost. Since I have had a hard time staying under that 179 weight that is officially 40 pounds lost, I have put off the reward until I could maintain it for a bit. Well, besides my weigh-in after Vegas, I have stayed at or under that since February 9th. I guess it's about time I celebrate it. Now....how about I make it to the next 10 pound milestone? Motivation, inspiration, any other 'tion' that could help me out...I'm looking for it!!!!

Day 57: Crap, crap and more crap. Don't even want to admit to it all. Is this where people often give up? I'm sure it is. But this is a lifetime commitment. A rough week, is not going to break me. I may start bawling here in a bit, but maybe that's what I need...just to let it all out!!!