I've Lost Track of the Days

I don't even know what to write about anymore.  I'm finding it hard to discern what journey I'm on.  The drive I had to lose weight last year is gone.  I was hoping that a new 'drive' to be healthy, to find myself, to be content, would replace it.  I have the desire for all those things...but 'drive'?  Nope.  And I don't know why.  What does 'drive' me to do anything?

I have a couple bits of advice...DO NOT bring home a half gallon of your very favorite ice cream on Valentine's Day when your significant other is out of town.  It's amazing how quickly ice cream disappears as you scoop spoonful after spoonful in to your mouth.  Also, DO NOT go down the candy aisle at the grocery store at the end of a stressful trip with two youngsters in tow.  Not only do they have a ball throwing bags of candy in the cart, you are just harried enough to grab a large bag of Laffy Taffy and finish it off on the drive home.  Just two examples of how I am obviously not handling things so great with this food addiction I seem to have.  In these cases, loneliness and stress 'drove' me to go to the things I find most comforting...food.  And somehow, I give myself permission to indulge, because I 'deserve' it after the particular situations I have found myself in.  Those are two kinda big examples, but all day every day, it is like this for me!  "You worked so hard getting that floor clean...Of course you deserve a couple of pieces of pizza and a cupcake."  "Boy, that's a lot of laundry that has to be done...You better load up on some cookie dough before you tackle it."  Food is a reward, a motivator, an escape, rather than a fuel.

I was alarmed at the amount of strength I had lost by not working out for about 3 months.  It was almost as if I had not only lost all I had gained as far as strength, but I was starting out even weaker than when I very first began.  I was leaving my workouts feeling defeated.  And feeling defeated, well, is just another one of those feelings that makes me excuse some devouring of donuts or something.  Why in the world would a workout do that to me?  I started to wonder if I should just quit working out...just say to heck with everything.  I CANNOT DO THAT....I know too well that if I quit working out, and quit TRYING to do something about the food I eat, I will end up being in serious trouble as far as weight gain and health go.  I have seen how quickly my body puts on the weight.  I have to be thankful for the work I have already done and the work I am doing right now.

My assignment for now is to try and figure out why I seem to be afraid of succeeding.  Why else would I continue to sabotage myself?   For the last 20 years, I've felt my weight is holding me back from truly being me...from reaching my potential.  But maybe I am afraid of not having the excuse of the excess weight keeping me from achieving other goals.  So I'm afraid of succeeding at the weight loss, because then, I will be expected to actually work on something else!!

Lots to ponder...lots to figure out.  And while I ponder and figure things out, I will continue to go work out, and I will continue to try and increase the good food and decrease the bad.  All I can do is keep trying.

Days 28-31

First of all, Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!  Love or hate this day, I don't think it's a bad thing to take a day to deliberately think about giving love...and it doesn't just have to be about two love birds!

I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm not writing on a daily basis anymore.  I may get back to that or I may not...I find myself not really wanting to 'fess up to what I'm eating these days.  I'm not saying it has all gone to hell....I'm just not really limiting any certain things.  I'm just trying to keep from snacking on junk, and limiting my portion sizes.  Some days are better than others!

I made it to the gym Friday, and took a long walk outside on our beautiful Colorado Saturday morning.  I didn't feel so hot yesterday, so stayed at home.  My rash has decided to return...so much for the 'cycle' hypothesis.  It is certainly not time for my cycle to start, so the rash just seems to be coming and going as it pleases.  If this continues much longer, I guess I'm going to have to start returning to doctor's offices to see if we can figure it out.  As much as I try to stay calm about it, I end up freaking out.  Although it has been a fairly small area these last few times, I am terrified of it returning to its full blown glory that it was the first time it reared its ugly head.

One really great thing about the last week...I made dinner five out of seven nights.  The dinners weren't the greatest as far as lean protein and veggies or anything, but they were not fast food, or pizza...so I am happy about that!  Amazing what a little planning ahead can do!

I'm not really even considering myself a part of the challenge at the gym anymore.  Last year, this challenge helped me to lose about 10 pounds in 12 weeks...I was feeling really good!!  This year, however, I consider myself on Day 32 of an entirely different kind of challenge.  Yes, you can tell by the new title what part of the challenge is....contentment.  But as I reflect on the last month, I am beginning to realize I am being challenged to live my life right now...to not keep thinking I will be living my best life once I am the weight or size I want to be.  And I'm learning to love me for who I am now, and not who I used to be.  Although there are some qualities of the younger me that I would like to see return, I can't be that Kari anymore...I am who I am now because of the life I have lived.  It has been a good life..it IS a good life, and I want to celebrate it every single day, and not dwell on trying to return to some kind of Eden I tend to picture the life I had as the skinnier me.

I love that I can google search for anything these days..and I get wonderful quotes all the time.  I never  know who has really quoted certain things, but I do think a lot of them are worth passing along!
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."  

I'm challenging myself to remember this...maybe you can challenge yourself to remember it too!!

Day 27

Nobody stuck to the floors last night!  I do like having people over to my house...so why in the world do I need keep it presentable enough to do just that?!  Just another little something to work on.....

Guess what?  It's almost Valentine's Day.  That means there are cherry and cinnamon hearts at the store.  And I bought them to have in little bowls to serve at the meeting last night.  Yep, uh huh...that is exactly why I bought them.  Darn it if those things aren't so yummy.  You know what else is yummy?  A $5.00 heart-shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's.  And you know what goes well with that yummy pizza?  Well, a yummy beer, of course!!  By now, I think you have an idea of how yummy the meeting was last night!  :)

I was busy yesterday so I didn't have time to mess with snacking...I had oatmeal with a banana for breakfast, and that kept me full for a very long time.  I did a vigorous 30 minute resistance workout, but was unable to do the cardio after because my legs were shot.  I washed our floors on the main level, which is a nice little back and arm workout....lol!  (I got down on the floor and scrubbed...no mop!)  I have totally drawn a blank on what I ate for lunch...let me go consult livestrong.com and see if I recorded it.  Please hold....Oh yeah...I grabbed a Starbucks veggie, egg, cheese sandwich and a tall non-fat vanilla latte.  Other than a handful of pretzels at about 4 pm...that was all I had until the meeting.  I drank lots of water during the day...always a good thing!

In general, my state of mind is pretty positive right now.  I will just keep plugging away at balancing good and bad food.  I'll keep reminding myself to watch portions, and care about what kind of fuel I'm giving to my body.  I don't feel so foggy right now...I am totally gonna be watching this, because if hormones are whacking me out so bad, I'll need to be getting some help with that.

A question I am asking myself....."Do you choose to simply know the path, or do you choose to walk it?"


Here's to walking the path, ya'll!!!   

Day 26

Let me just start by saying that I shouldn't be blogging right now.  I have a mess of a house, and a meeting to be held here tonight.  So, I'll make this short and sweet!

Yesterday, I made it to the gym for a half hour on the elliptical.  It was TOUGH....my legs are jello.  Sure hope this improves soon.  My workout today wasn't much better...I had to cut it short.  No more time off...it's too hard to make up for the time I missed.  My body seems to regress much quicker than it used to. Is this one of the beautiful challenges of now being 40 years old?!

I did pretty good with eating yesterday, and drank lots of water.  I did break in to some ice cream last night, but I kept it at 1/2 cup (the serving size on the container) which is much smaller than I am used to dishing up.  My daughter ate half of it while she sat next to me, so I think I actually only had a 1/4 cup.  Just a taste, and almost enough to satisfy me at that time.  Until I grabbed about 10 reduced fat Pringles.  I sure wish somebody hadn't left those out on the end table....But I was ok with even these little food trysts...I had eaten sensibly the rest of the day, and done my exercise.  I'm allowed!

I never really felt fatigue set in yesterday.  I worked out in the afternoon when I usually get a snack attack.  I was definitely hungry after the workout, and ate some cereal to fill up since the protein bar hadn't been enough.

Crap...didn't I say this was gonna be short and sweet today?  Here I am still typing, and the floors are calling me to scrub them....To the ladies coming over here tonight...Please forgive me if you stick to the floor....

Days 23-25

I kinda forgot about blogging for a little bit.  Wait, that's a lie.  I thought about it, then I decided I didn't want to do it for a couple of days.  

I made a return to the gym yesterday after more than a week off.  I'm sore today, and a tad mad at myself for not going for so long.  BUT, the mood I was in last week made all kinds of things difficult.  Taking the pressure off has helped me.  I feel like I made better eating choices yesterday just because I wanted to feel good physically...not because I was desperate to see the scale move.  And I did feel better...not so sluggish!!  Amazing how that works!

The last couple of days, I've had fun keeping myself occupied with something other than thinking about my weight.  (It is actually pretty crazy to realize how much my mind thinks about that....)  I decided to spend a little time dropping by on people's walls on facebook, just to say 'hi'.  I know I like it when an unexpected message shows up on mine, so I thought why not connect with a few people every day?  It's been a fun thing to do every time I log on...I just write to 2 or 3 people pretty much at random.  I am really very thankful for the people I have connected with on facebook.  I just want to make sure they know that.  It's been a positive way to redirect some brain power :)

I did not have a good night's sleep last night.  A loud noise woke me up approximately 1.5 hours after I fell asleep.  After taking a walk through the house to see that everything was ok, I returned to bed only to   be awakened after about 2 hours to a child hopping up in to my bed.  Another 2 hours, another child.  This is not so rare an occurrence.  I decided to do something different today though...I decided I would not use any fatigue that I begin to feel as an excuse to grab something crappy to eat....a conscious decision to realize when I am feeling tired and choose something different at that moment.  So that's my assignment for the day...if I can accomplish that, I'm on my way to tackling some of these things that cause me to run to the cupboard.

A great quote I came across yesterday: "How you feel is up to you, not to anyone else in your life. Peace is the result of choosing to focus your mind on what is true and honorable and right. When you choose to do that, it is amazing how much peace will overtake your mind and heart."
—Jan Silvious

Here's to peace, people!!!

Day 22

In an attempt to change the voices in my head, I will now try to talk about something I love about me.  It's such a tricky thing to do, because I don't want to sound conceited.  I would imagine that's one of the main reasons I haven't done it.  So, without practice, it is seeming very difficult.   It's been proven that people benefit from expressing gratitude like in a gratitude journal, so I have to believe that expressing love for myself, should benefit me too :)


Ok, so I do love my eyes.  Thank you, Mom and Dad, for that gift.  I don't even really know what color they are...I call them hazel, but there's really no brown in them, and I think the official definition of hazel includes brown.  They can look blue, and they can look green.  I feel somewhat unique being a dark-haired woman with lighter eyes.   They have served me well, since I haven't had glasses yet.  That doesn't mean that I don't need them...but I've functioned fine without the help of glasses, and I hope to continue that way for a while longer!  


Ok, phew....that was kinda tough.   Thanks to my friends who pointed out some things to get me started...I am certainly content with my eyes :)


Oh, how I wish I had some profound way to wrap this up.  My Day 22 of this 'challenge' found me anxiously awaiting the return of my husband from a 10 day business trip.  And then it found me sitting on the couch all night, cuddling up and watching TV with him.  We ate lasagna for dinner, and popcorn for a snack.  I loved on my husband, and I loved on my kids.  That was a pretty darn good day!  

Day 21

What can I say? I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about my weight. It's been a battle for about 20 years now, and I am worn out. I'm trying to figure out why my little crusade for 2011 hasn't been much of a crusade at all. Yesterday was supposed to be the start of it AGAIN...I started off fine, with some oatmeal and a banana. I had a decent lunch with a Green Giant frozen veggie/bean thing, and a couple bites of mac and cheese. I didn't feel the need to snack at all yesterday. I was drinking water. But then I went ahead and had some pizza on my way out the door to go to poker. And at poker, well, I went ahead and enjoyed a couple of Coors Lights. I don't think it was a terrible day. But it wasn't the 'perfect' day I had imagined. Of course, it's hard to have a 'perfect' eating day when you don't prepare for it. I do think that it is key is to plan ahead. I haven't been planning ahead at all.

As I sat holding my 5 year old boy in my lap this morning when he first woke up, I was soaking in the beauty that is my life. I looked at the mess of toys scattered on the floor, the piles of folded laundry all over the couch, and the pictures of my family. I took in the warmth we are fortunate to have in the house, while it's so darn cold outside. I found myself feeling content. How can this be? I'm still 50 lbs overweight, and my house is trashed...how can I be content? I started to get a little anxious, thinking I didn't want that feeling to go away. I tried to figure out how to make it stay...and I think that for now, I need to take the focus away from me. I want to focus on my family...I know all too well how fast these kids grow up. I don't want to look back and wonder why I wasn't truly present during these years, because I was distracted by my constant worry over weight. I realize it's a never-ending struggle as a mom and wife whether to put yourself first, or your kids, or your husband. I can't ignore my own needs and desires. But for now, I just want to be content. Am I giving up? Maybe. Or maybe just taking the pressure off, and seeing if things fall in to place.

I think a name change for the blog may be in order :)

Day 20

Another 'non-challenge' day was had yesterday. I definitely made it a choice to do that for one more day. I've done this so many times before....and it is totally against the philosophy I would like to adopt about messing up a little and getting back on track. I guess I just wanted to mess up a lot yesterday!

Breakfast: if you read the blog yesterday, you know it was chocolate chip cookies....

Lunch: Tomato soup, grilled ham and cheese on whole wheat

Snack: pretzels

Dinner: Wendy's (burger, fries, DP)

I drank about 60 oz of water

Still haven't made it to the gym. It was ridiculously cold yesterday so I didn't step a foot outside of the house. And I didn't take it upon myself to find some way to work out at home. I didn't feel good yesterday. Not gonna elaborate on that....if you have questions please refer to your middle school/junior high health class notes.

The craziest thing happened last night. I got a burst of energy, almost like a euphoria after my dinner. I described it to my husband as what an addict must feel when they get the drug of their choice. I started doing some laundry, sorting through a bunch of crap, and cleaning up a bit. After I had exerted myself for a couple of hours, my rash, which had seemingly improved during the day, flared up again. It got bright red, itchy, and hot. Lovely, eh? I stopped, as I didn't want to aggravate it any further. That little bit of 'exercise' has definitely made me apprehensive about actually doing a workout.

Day 20: I'm hoping it's the last real 'mess-up' day that I choose to have.

Day 19

The last week has been tough. I've had a bad attitude, haven't felt good, and pretty much gave up on the challenge. I definitely think there have been lots of things contributing to that bad attitude. Some I already knew, but some things I just realized last night. They could definitely be why it has been so tough. No matter how much I try to compartmentalize my life, one thing always ends up having an effect on another.

First, it truly was PMS, that was made clear today...I apologize to anyone who doesn't want to hear about woman 'problems' but I cannot dismiss the effect that my hormones have on how I feel and what I'm thinking and ultimately what I'm eating! I applaud the women who are somehow able to overcome these challenges...me? I had a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

Second, we have been potty training our little girl. It didn't dawn on me until last night that this particular project we are working on could be contributing to difficulties with my attitude. I have said that potty training is one of my least favorite parts of parenting....and here I am, facing it for the fifth time. My patience is put to the test. I am cleaning up lots of messes. I am trying to remain calm with a screaming and crying daughter who doesn't want to poop on the potty. (She's doing really well with the other part, but the whole number 2 thing is a challenge.) I have to realize that this added stress has probably helped me to be less tolerant of my own little challenges.

Let's see...I've talked about periods, poop and pee...What else can I bring up that will make everyone uncomfortable? Vomit?! Nah!!! Instead, how about my rash?....another wonderful challenge and wonderfully uncomfortable subject....I guess the rash would be circumstance number three that is adding to my bad attitude. I'm really going to be watching to see if the rash is connected to my monthly cycle...I am suspicious at this point.

The fourth circumstance that I should mention is that my husband is traveling. He has been gone for a week, and will be gone a couple more days. I didn't want to think that him being gone would have an effect on what I'm trying to accomplish. I wanted our transition to his traveling to go smoothly. I didn't want any issues creeping in. Why? Because I want him to be able to do the job he loves. I don't want to be an obstacle to him achieving career success and satisfaction. I actually don't think I have done too bad as far as handling kids' stuff and house stuff (well, not much has been accomplished on the house...crap!) But then when I look at how bad my attitude has been towards myself, I have to wonder if somehow I'm really not handling it as well as I think.

I hope to present to you a much more upbeat Kari in a few days. I really prefer being the one cracking jokes and making people smile! All of this introspection, although essential, is exhausting!

The good: the furnace is working (it's been like -100 degrees the last couple days...ok, that's a LITTLE bit of an exaggeration)

The bad: I haven't been to the gym since Friday

The ugly: did I mention my rash? ;)

I was not gonna document yesterday's food...but here goes:

Breakfast: Fruity Pebbles

Lunch: Cheez Its

Dinner: Chicken, spinach salad

Dessert: Coors Light

Let's see, also consumed at some point yesterday....three small pancakes, chocolate chip cookie dough, chocolate chip cookies, Pepsi...oh and about 80 oz of water....

Day 18

I will not call this giving up...but I think I should stop wasting everyone's time with this blog! It is pretty obvious that the Body Transformation Challenge has turned in to a Life Transformation Challenge or Mind Transformation Challenge. And the transformation isn't happening...I am thinking that I need to start over. But I'm always starting over....it's always after the weekend, or after this trip, or after this party, or after this snow day. The determination that shows up, wanes so quickly...especially when I don't see results right away.

My attitude is crap. Maybe it's still ok for me to blog on these kind of days because it's real....you can see the struggles I'm having. I had Fruity Pebbles for breakfast. I might bake a cake today because it's really cold outside and it will put smiles on my kids' faces. I will not be leaving the house since the wind chill is -35 degrees (that's not an exaggeration!). I won't be exercising because of the rash I have....getting hot and sweaty completely aggravates it. So, already, I have determined no progress will be made today. Hmmmm....shooting out those tires again....

The question has come up about the nature of this blog. Someone was wondering if maybe I was just writing the blog to get responses like "Kari, you're doing so great" or "Kari, you're just the greatest person who ever lived"..... After the really long entry the other day, I was worried that people would be thinking I was looking for sympathy or something. The only reason I started the blog last year, and then started it up again this year, was to document the 12 weeks of what was supposed to be a weight loss challenge. I wanted to be accountable to the people who might be reading my blog. I thought it would keep me on track. It definitely causes me to think twice before I grab a cheeseburger. So, I submit to you that I am not looking for sympathy, or pats on the back, or even solutions, although all of those things end up being fuel to keep me going sometimes. I am putting it out there for all to see because I hope that it helps me....and well, maybe helps somebody else too.

P.S. Yesterday's food:

Breakfast: 2 egg whites, 1 egg, scrambled with green pepper, whole wheat toast w/ peanut butter, apple

Lunch: leftover sweet and sour chicken, veggie egg roll

Snack: smoothie w/ banana, blueberries, spinach, 1%milk, protein supplement

Dinner: 1/4 of a frozen pizza, can of Pepsi

Dessert: chocolate mint protein bar

Got 80 oz of water in, didn't snack on crap....