Day 14

I have very little appetite. I'm not complaining. I just need to watch that I get some of the 'right' foods in when I do eat...so far this weekend, not doing so great with that! Yesterday:

Breakfast: 10:00 am

one piece of toast w/ honey, 2 slices bacon, about 1/4 cup of scrambled eggs w/ cheddar cheese (which were 5 eggs and 3 egg whites scrambled together and split among 4 of us), 1/2 cup orange juice w/ calcium, about 4 bites of a cinnamon roll.

Lunch: 3:00 pm

1/2 order of Fish 'n Onion Rings, I subbed onion rings for the 'chips'...I probably shoulda subbed in a salad instead :) The fish was only one large piece of which I probably ate about 1/2, and I think I ate 4 onion rings, 2 Coors Lights

Dinner: 7:00 pm

protein shake w/ strawberries blended in

Snack: 8:30 pm

1/2 cup Cap'n Crunch, 1/4 skim milk

I am betting I will be struggling with being hungry again some day, but right now, I am having the opposite problem! I was pretty hungry for lunch since I worked out from 1:15 to 2:15. (I did 45 minutes on the elliptical and 40 fit ball crunches.) After those work outs, good thing to eat pretty quickly.

I made that big breakfast because one child requested eggs...so off I went with the works! I then met up with a friend for what turned out to be lunch, although I hadn't really planned that. It's really wonderful to sit down with a good friend and share life stories over a beer. Too hard for me to give that up. I thought I could cut out alcohol completely for these 12 weeks...but I've decided I need to learn to live with that, because that is an enjoyable part of my life. So I need to make sure it is integrated in to what's going on here! No, I don't have a 'problem'! If you notice, it's only been a couple times so far! :)

Day 14: Good workout, great conversation, no veggies. Oops!

Day 13

These days are gonna happen! Well, at least they are for me. I am accepting it, and appreciating the fun I had. Life is too short to beat myself up, right? A very entertaining day yesterday:

First thing in the morning, tummy remedy: 5:00 am

1/2 Pepsi

Breakfast on the run: 8:45 am

Starbucks reduced fat cinnamon swirl cake, 1/4 of a nonfat vanilla latte...I couldn't finish it, what the heck??

Lunch: 12:45 pm

IHOP...watermelon, 2 eggs, 1 slice bacon, hash browns...I don't know, 1/2 a cup maybe?, with ketchup, and oh yeah...pancakes, approximately 3, with butter and syrup. Who am I kidding, probably closer to 3 1/2...but they are smaller than other places pancakes!! Water to drink.

Grazing Dinner at a Party: 6:30 pm

2 little wienies, 3 meatballs, two tortilla chips, 3 baby carrots, 4 celery sticks, 3 crackers, some cheese ball, spinach dip...I think that was all....Oh yeah, 3 beers. Hey, I was there for four hours!! Oh, crap...one little brownie square...almost forgot that!

No snacking yesterday. None! This week has really been different in that way. Last week, I was constantly looking in the cupboard for something to snack on.

I haven't logged my food on to the livestrong site yet. I have no idea how many calories this amounted to yesterday! I feel like I am starting to be a little more in tune to my body though. I did go in to what I referred to as a "pancake coma" yesterday. After all that food, I couldn't wait to get home and lay down. No real veggies and fruits and no afternoon workout...which made for a more sluggish me. I think I got a good portion of my water, but maybe not quite all 8 glasses.

I made a stupid mistake at IHOP. You see, it is All You Can Eat Pancake time there. Because I'm kinda cheap, I got one of those meals (and they are a great deal, by the way!) and thought, I would get the extra pancakes and pack them up to take home. My kids like pancakes! Well, they serve 2 with the meal, then bring 3 more at a time. I got the extra three, but didn't want it to look like I only got them to take home, so I planned to take a few bites and then ask for a box. I mindlessly ate half the stack, (so 1 1/2, right), and left the other half on the table. I never should have asked for more...Good intentions, bad results!

Day 13: I did mention it was a fun day, right? I had lunch with two of my dearest friends, and a very entertaining party last night. A day full of girlfriends! I loved it! Food? Secondary concern on this day :)

Day 12

I was up at 4:30 this morning, with a bit of a tummy ache. I am sipping a Pepsi at 5:45 am...probably not the best choice but it's helping a little. But let's discuss yesterday....another good day! I went to the mall again, for most of the morning. Hey, I had a two-day shopping pass thingy...don't judge me!!! Kids played on the dinosaurs, we walked A LOT of the mall, and had a food court lunch. I even did weight lifting...I bought a set of new glasses for our cupboard, (it was a smokin' deal, by the way) and a couple of other things, which were not light. I had one child in an umbrella stroller, and the other child pushing it. Thank goodness, the 4-year-old thought pushing the stroller was fun! I don't know what I was thinking, getting my hands full with stuff. I definitely worked up a sweat walking from one end of the mall to the other with those heavy things! It's good to be out of the house more. My husband might disagree. :) The other 'stuff' from yesterday:

Breakfast: 7:45

3/4 cup Cheerios, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup skim milk

Snack: 11:30

1/2 small McDonald's fry, 1 chicken nugget....Don't judge me!!!

Lunch: 12:25

Italian BMT from Subway, 6" on whole wheat, 1/2 white chocolate macadamia nut cookie

Snack: 4:30

protein shake blended w/ strawberries and blueberries

pre-dinner Snack: 6:00

edamame

Dinner: 6:30

leftover stroganoff (about 1/4 cup, maybe, I don't know, I didn't measure), 1/2 cup steamed broccoli

Dessert: 7:30

Trail Mix, 3 T. I got to eat the M&M's this time!

I sat down with the kids in the food court, hoping my husband would join us for lunch. Cuz at this point, I was sweating, my arms were about to fall off, and I wasn't sure how I was supposed to get the lunch from one of the places with my hands full and two toddlers. He didn't join us. So, I parked it at a table right by the McDonald's, left my purchases at the table, and got them their food. I wasn't about to do McDonald's again for me. I have to answer to you people! Well, I sat there watching them eat. Yes, there are plenty of other places for me to choose from in the food court...I had pretty much decided on Subway...It worked for "Jared" after all. Anyway, I was NOT going to leave my kids at a table across the food court while I got my Subway. So I snitched some of their food. Got the hunger out, for the moment, until I could get mine! Grabbed the sub of the day (because I'm cheap) on our way out, and ate it at home. I got light mayo on it, because I always do, and after a couple of bites had to scrape it off. Wasn't tasting great, and didn't want to waste the calories! Besides, I knew I wanted a bit of a cookie! :)

I had a 30 minute weight workout and brief cardio. I'm considering the mall- walking my cardio for the day!

Day 12: Feeling good, have energy, not hungry all the time. Woo hoo!!

Day 11

I can't believe how different this week is from last week. Yesterday, I didn't eat enough food. Imagine that! I figure it balances out with another day that I ate too much, but I know that eating enough food is just as important. This is what it looked like yesterday:

Breakfast: 8:15

3/4 cup Cheerios, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup skim milk

Lunch: 1:00

4 oz chicken breast, 2/3 cup brown rice, 2/3 cup steamed broccoli, water to drink

Post-workout snack: 4:00

protein bar

Dinner: 6:30

1/2 cup green beans, about 1/8 cup beef stroganoff w/ 1/8 cup whole wheat egg noodles, water to drink

Snack: 8:00

3 T. Costco trail mix, I didn't get one M&M though...there was a little one sitting next to me stealing them all, so basically it was nuts and raisins.

I had to force myself to eat dinner. I just had very small amounts, wanted to make sure what I made for the fam was decent tasting. It was bland, I got that feedback from everyone. Plenty of salt and pepper took care of that. It wasn't a very healthy recipe, so I knew I didn't want much. At least I got the noodles that have a bit more whole grains, and nobody complained! (I think they taste better than the 'regular' ones anyway!)

I was out running errands/shopping in all morning. I walked the mall for about an hour and a half. Wasn't tempted to buy any food...I wasn't hungry at all! (Even though there's the aroma of popcorn, and cinnamon rolls galore!) And wonder upon wonders, I didn't reach that point where I was TOO hungry, and willing to grab whatever.

I worked out in the afternoon again. Another 30 minutes of strength training (thanks, Tony!) and then 15 minutes on the TREADMILL. I have NEVER done the treadmill before. I have been scared of that thing. For one, I thought my knees would not respond well to it, but also because I could see myself falling on my face on it. The elliptical always seemed safer. Well, I didn't fall...and I worked up a sweat so, now I know I can do it, and get my heart rate up enough too! I have been made aware of how cross training is beneficial, so now I know I can add the treadmill as part of my cardio.

I did get a headache last night. I'm pretty sure I know why...I was low on my water, especially after my workout. And I didn't have enough food. I like to blame lack of caffeine sometimes, so I could have grabbed a Dr. Pepper, but I thought better of it, and decided to eat some nuts. That really seemed to help. Well, either that or the Advil :)

Day 11: Couldn't have imagined last week that I would hit a day where I only got 75% of the calories I'm aiming for. Can't make a habit of this...not healthy! Realizing how easy it would have been to scrap the whole thing last week, and how many people probably do that when it gets so tough. Sticking with it is worth it!

Day 10

Ok, guys....my workout pants were falling off of me yesterday on the elliptical. Note to self...always buy workout pants with a drawstring. I'm mentioning this, because there is nothing like the feeling of having your clothes fall off of you! I was just about to go sit down and do the bike, when I seemed to get the suckers hiked up enough to stay...I probably looked like Ed Grimley. Fun times! Yesterday's sustenance:

Breakfast: 8:00

protein shake w/ 10 strawberries blended in

Snack: 10:30

1 cup Cheerios, 1 banana, 1 cup skim milk

Lunch: 1:00

1/4 cup Kraft mac and cheese, 5 cinnamon jelly hearts, water to drink

Snack/dinner: 4:15

1/2 sweet potato, 4 oz boneless skinless chicken breast, water to drink

Dinner dinner: 6:30

McDonald's: 1/2 cheeseburger, 2 chicken nuggets, 1 small order of fries, about 3 gulps of Dr. Pepper....and feeling a bit guilty about this fast food, I added my own 2 cups of spinach with 1 T. Red Wine Vinegar and 1/2 tsp olive oil. Also, because I hadn't had any veggies yet...yikes!

I made mac and cheese for the kids for lunch. However, I found myself too lazy to gather something for myself so I ate an itty bitty bit of it too. It wasn't too long ago I could practically eat the whole darn box...what was that about?? What I should have done, was accompanied it with a salad. That would have made a more 'rounded' meal. I'll do that next time.

Parent/teacher conferences were last night for our middle schooler. We headed to the school right when I would normally be making dinner. So, yes, there was the grabbing of McDonald's on our return home. This will be an excursion you will see regularly. For our large family, it is usually the most economic fast food stop we can make. I went ahead and got that cheeseburger All American meal....ate the small fries before I even sat down at the table. My daughter was eyeing my cheeseburger so I gave her half, and she shared her nuggets with me...Maybe it was guilt that caused me to not drink much of my pop, or maybe it was the fact that someone else's spilled all over the floor so I handed them mine. I am proud of myself for taking the time to sit and eat what seemed like a gigantic salad, at that point. I knew I needed some veggies, but I also wanted to prevent any hunger from coming along the rest of the night. Those veggies must have done their job, because I was fine until bed! Actually, my hunger hasn't been too bad this week. I really think that whole 'cycle' thing surely was playing a part last week!

Day 10: Working my pants off, and loving it!!

Day 9

It was a good day! Apart from my emotional meltdown at 9 pm, it was a good day! Again, whole other blog there....I'm just glad it happened late enough at night that I wasn't tempted to eat my way out of it. Here's what yesterday looked like:

Breakfast: 8:00

protein shake w/ banana mixed in, 3/4 cup dry Cap'n Crunch (breakfast of champions, heehee)

Snack/Lunch: 11:00

2 hard boiled eggs, on 1 cup spinach, 1 cup romaine, 1 tsp olive oil, 1 T. red wine vinegar, water to drink

Lunch/Snack: 1:30

1/2 sweet potato, 3.5 oz extra lean ground turkey, water to drink (a tip here: I bought one package of ground turkey last week, cooked up the whole thing with some salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and a dash of Mrs. Dash. I divided and froze about 3 to 3.5 oz each in individual baggies. So yesterday, just grabbed out a bag, dumped it in a bowl, microwaved it for a bit, and voila!...my protein for this meal.)

Snack: 4:00

5 Brach's Cinnamon Jelly Hearts, 1 3/4 cups Smartfood popcorn

Snack: 4:45

protein bar

Dinner: 7:15

about 3 oz chicken breast, 2 cups salad w/ 1/2 T. Thousand Island dressing, 1 slice bacon, water to drink

The only time I got too hungry was, you guessed it, about 4 pm. It was after my work out and I was at the grocery store...I bought those darn hearts and opened 'em right there in the check out line. Got home and had that popcorn which wasn't too terrible a choice, and it helped to fill the chasm that was my stomach at that moment. I was just happy I stopped at 5 hearts!

I made a note in my journal yesterday that it was hard to resist grabbing handfuls of stuff that I was putting away off the table. As I put cereal boxes away, there was an almost automatic reach in to the box for a handful. I did have some Cap'n Crunch this way, but later on, I almost did it again, and asked myself first "Are you hungry?"...decided "no", put it away and walked away!

I had a great workout yesterday afternoon! I was at the gym for an hour, did about 15 minutes on the elliptical then my brother-in-law met up with me and led me through a rigorous 30 minutes of weight training on chest and shoulder muscles. I was glad to have the guidance. I've missed working out with him! Rounded out the workout with 40 crunches on the fit ball and 10 minutes of stretching. It all felt so good!!! I'm telling you, the hardest part is actually getting to the gym. Once I'm there, I like it and I love how I feel afterwards!

Day 9: Loved it! Wish every day went as smoothly as Day 9 did!

Day 8

Phew!! One week down, 11 to go! It was a rough one, but I am happy to be down 1/2 a pound from Monday of last week. I know this doesn't sound like much, but after the week I had, it is a victory! I didn't do a good job of writing down what I ate yesterday, but I didn't do any mindless snacking. I didn't feel totally hungry all day either. Here's what I yesterday looked like:

Breakfast: 8:30 am

protein shake w/ a banana mixed in

Brunch/Lunch: 11:30 am

Egg casserole (I had small pieces, cuz you don't even want to know what's in this thing...), fruit salad (bananas, raspberries, strawberries, grapes), 1/2 blueberry muffin, water to drink

Dinner: 6:00 pm

Chicken fried rice, water to drink. This was homemade and included, chicken, brown & white rice, eggs, frozen veggies (corn, green beans, carrots), garlic, low sodium soy sauce, and various seasonings.

We had brunch with my husband's family. I LOVE the egg dish his mom makes. I had one small piece of the two different kinds, then grabbed one more sliver which I didn't need. That put me in to the overly-full state of being, and could be why I was able to go until dinner without snacking.

My exercise yesterday was walking around Costco for an hour and a half. I didn't even have any samples while I was there! I also did a kitchen full of hand wash dishes (there was some dancing involved while doing the dishes, so I guess that's exercise too. I'm sure it was entertaining for my family. The only way I really enjoy doing chores is with some tunes on, so my ipod was helping me groove!)

The fried rice recipe I made really isn't that bad for you...there was hardly any fat, and I used part brown rice. Now I know I can use all brown rice and my family won't know the difference. And I will increase the amount of veggies I put in it too. It's fun to try new recipes, and even more fun when they are a hit!

Day 8: I'm excited again...Last week was a roller coaster! This week could be the same way, but at least I'm starting out this Monday morning feeling optimistic and energized. Go me! :)

Day 7

There are certain days I just don't feel good. They happen every month, right about the same time. (Hmmmm....wonder what I could be talking about?) Yesterday was one of those days. I took the day off. This doesn't mean I went nuts and ate everything in sight. It means, I decided to take a break from writing everything down, and logging it on the computer, and fretting about it. I ate some healthy things, some not so healthy things, and some comfort food. I spent the day as a couch potato, catching up on shows on the DVR with my husband who had been out of town all week. I still don't feel great this morning. I really have to force myself to be active when I feel like this, but I know it's the best thing for me. So, I'll be fitting in either a walk outside today or a trip to the gym...we'll see!

Day 7: Challenges, challenges all around. This stress, that party, this cycle, that child....This is life. I'm dealing with it!

Day 6

It was a good day. I felt good the whole day. I ate some 'wrong' things. But I had a good day! I will not beat myself up like the last day I overindulged. It happens. Just so it doesn't happen every day!

Breakfast: 8:00 am

4 oz extra lean (99% fat free) ground turkey and 1 oz cheddar cheese, in 1/2 flour tortilla, 1/2 pear, 4 oz skim milk

Snack: 11:00

5 oz 1% cottage cheese

Lunch: 1 1/2 cups raw spinach, 1/2 cup mandarin oranges, 1 T. red wine vinegar, 1 tsp olive oil

Snack: 3:30

protein bar

Do I really have to write the rest of the day? Ok, here goes:

"Losing it" snack: 4:15-4:45

1/2 cup dry Life cereal, 10 Ritz crackers, 5 Lays potato chips

Dinner: 5:45

1 slice ham/pineapple pizza, 1 hot wing, 1 bread stick, 1 cinnabread stick

"Oh No, There's a Snack Bar at Bingo" Snack: 8:30

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (2), Mr. Pibb, 1 mozzarella cheese stick

Can you believe I went over the amount of calories I was supposed to have yesterday? Crazy, isn't it? I was actually 'saving' some calories for when I was going to Bingo. I wanted to be able to enjoy a little treat while I was there. However, at 4:15 in the afternoon, I pretty much ate my way through my remaining calories in a snack frenzy. Got too hungry, and grabbed what I shouldn't. This is obviously an area I need to work on. And trying to save calories for later may not have been the best choice. I realize I should have sat down at that point and had a salad or something. The other thing that seems to happen is once I 'mess up', I just decide to say to heck with it and continue to mess up the rest of the night. This is so contrary to my philosophy that I have had the last year. I was able to indulge in a little, and stop. This is why my weight loss was successful before. I didn't deny myself anything, but I didn't have these binges either. Holy psychological dysfunction! Better get this one figured out or I will find myself gaining weight on this 12 week challenge!

I ordered pizza for the kids, and for my son's band that was here practicing. (Remember, I was going to Bingo and was going to eat a little something there.) I tend to want to make everyone happy...imagine that. But I know full well, when I order that pizza, and hot wings, and cinnabread, that I will want some. Just like the donuts and candy I bought earlier in the week. The issue, though, is I am not stopping. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had the pizza and everything, if I had just stopped with that.

Part of life is being social, and having fun. And most social things and fun things have food involved. I started out the night at Bingo full, and with a bottle of water. We were sitting right by the snack bar, and there were enticing smells being emitted. I really thought I was gonna make it without walking to that snack bar. But I was craving chocolate, and I was feeling tired. I went for the caffeine pop and my favorite candy bar. It is absolutely possible to be social and have fun without indulging. I know this. I just didn't listen to that voice in my head last night. Something about the setting...the sitting there blotting those squares...just made me want to eat. I better not become a Bingo addict!

Day 5: Not beating myself up. This stuff happens. Twice this week so far is unfortunate, but I will be blaming PMS. :)

Day 5

Yesterday was a much better day! Well, for my eating, at least...we won't talk about my lack of patience with the kids, and the lack of order in my house. That's a whole other blog.

Yesterday's foods:

Breakfast: 8:45 (I decided to hold off on breakfast, since I wasn't hungry right away in the am)

1 1/4 cups spoon size shredded wheat, 3/4 cup skim milk, 1 tsp sugar

Lunch: 11:30

Tuna Melt: 1 T Miracle Whip Light, 1/4 cup chopped celery, 2.5 oz albacore tuna from pouch, on top of 1 slice whole wheat bread, topped with 1 oz shredded cheddar cheese, broiled til the cheese melts, 1/4 cup raspberries, water to drink (This was really yummy, by the way!)

Snack: 1:20

1 1/2 cups raw spinach, 1 tsp olive oil, 1 T red wine vinegar, 2 hard boiled eggs, water to drink

After workout snack: 4:00

protein bar

Dinner: 6:30

protein shake blended with a banana

Dessert: 8:30

animal crackers, 17 from the "snack sak"= 140 calories

I had at least 10 8 oz glasses of water throughout the day.

The day started at 4 am, which was a bit of a bummer. However, I did a few things differently and tried a few bits of advice I received from people, and I consider the day a success! I'll probably just give my weight on Mondays, since this has been my weigh-in day that I write down on our refrigerator since Jan 6, 2009. That was one suggestion that I'll try for a bit...not weighing every day.

One thing I have been extremely happy about is that I haven't experienced any headaches this week. Usually, when I get hungry, I end up with a headache. So glad I'm not dealing with that!

I am drinking a green tea supplement, usually once a day that seems to help with my hunger. It definitely did yesterday, and I actually had two throughout the day.

I am laughing at my notes from yesterday...9:40 "Drinking my green tea drink and thankfully not feeling hungry. But I am pissy, near tears. Hmmmm...could all of this be PMS? Can't really put that in my blog, can I?" Well, I guess I just did! Sorry if that is too much info for any of you, but as women, we can't forget what our cycle does to our body. It is possible that my extreme hunger this week could be related to that. I will definitely watch for a pattern in this area.

After my yummy lunch, I was still a bit hungry, but it was manageable. Then I had a yummy snack, which I would never have considered a 'snack' before...A salad for a snack? But it was a good choice and filled me up. I worked out at 3:00 for 25 minutes on the elliptical, which according to the machine, burned 300 calories.

Looks like I ate about every 2 to 2 1/2 hours....seemed to work well.

Day 5: Yay!

Day 4

I was tired of feeling hungry. Within an hour of eating anything...a fairly big meal, a snack, whatever, I was feeling hungry again. This was causing me to think about food constantly. What can I have next?...what will need to be prepared?....No, you SHOULDN'T have that...Those were days 1 through 3, and is how Day 4 began too. I won't be posting a weight today. This will probably not be one of my most positive posts...Sorry to anyone who doesn't like a bit of complaining...because I have some to do.

Here they are...yesterday's foods in all their glory:

Breakfast: 8:00 am

1 piece of whole wheat toast with 1 1/2 tsp peanut butter, 1 cup skim milk, 1 apple

Snack: 11:00 am

protein bar

Lunch: 12:30 pm

McDonald's All American Meal (cheeseburger, small fry, small Dr. Pepper), 1 chicken nugget

Dessert: 1:00 pm

20 Hot Tamales

Snack: 4:00 pm

29 edamame pods

Dinner: 6:00

1/2 of a homemade waffle, homemade brown sugar syrup, 2 baby carrots

2nd Dinner: 8:00

Old Chicago kids-size green olive pizza, 1 Coors Light

I had approximately 11 8 oz glasses of water throughout the day.

Where did it go wrong yesterday? I'm not gonna blame the kids, because I am the adult here...but they asked for McDonald's for lunch after I picked my 4-year-old up from preschool. I decided I would do that for them, and had a nice little debate with myself as I drove to the restaurant. "Just get them their Happy Meals, and go home and have the lunch you were prepared to have", "You know, it's ok if you want to have a little bit of McDonald's, just don't go overboard", etc. Then the one argument popped in my head "Maybe you won't feel hungry anymore if you indulge in McDonald's". The almost constant hunger for three days was wearing on me. I decided to give in...I got a small meal. And it filled me up...for about an hour...just like everything else. What the heck is going on??? By 2:00 I was actually getting pretty pissed off. I worked out at that point...which was a bit of a victory. The 'old me' might have just used the frustration as an excuse to grab whatever food I could to make me 'feel better'. The real accomplishment of the last year was getting out of the habit of using food as my comfort. Certainly if I was stressed, it was an excuse to eat junk...heck, even being bored was an excuse to eat junk. I have made great strides in that area....so to the Wii Fit I went yesterday and worked out with my toddlers by my side for 45 minutes.

I was logging my lunch in to the two sites I'm keeping my food diary on...really thought my small little meal from McDonald's was an ok choice, until I saw the calories add up. After I put it in, and logged my exercise, it was determined that I had less than 300 calories left for the day. This was not good news. And by this time I was good and hungry again. I gave up. I thought, "there's no way I can fill up on 300 calories over the next 8 hours." I chose to have edamame for a snack rather than some other junk. However, I didn't much care what I had for dinner, or after.

The kids love waffles. I like to please my kids. I made waffles. They were really good. I had less than a whole one. My friend was having a birthday celebration at Old Chicago. I had a kid-size pizza and a beer. I finally felt full....and gross as I drove home.

I had a terrible night sleep. The upper body workout I did the day before yesterday made me a little sore yesterday. But during the night last night, my arms screamed in pain any time I moved them. My body is waking up earlier and earlier. Today it was 4 am, and I couldn't go back to sleep.

I'm not sure what today will bring. I am getting good advice and wonderful encouragement from so many of you. There is just a disconnect here for some reason. I thought I really wanted this...I thought I was in it to win the contest. Maybe the added pressure of winning a contest isn't what I needed. Stay tuned...guess only time will tell.

Day 4: Ugh.

Day 3

It's a good thing you guys are all on this ride with me, good or bad. Here's the first bit of a bump....Today's weight: 180 Up from yesterday by half a pound. This is why it's not good for some people to weigh every day. They might get discouraged by that. But I know what I did wrong, and I plan on fixing it today!

Yesterday's foods:

Over the course of the entire day, I believe I had ten 8 oz glasses of water, but I lost count...

Breakfast: 7:30 am

Grande Nonfat Vanilla Latte from Starbucks...Hey, it was free...but the first indulgence of the day. Lots of calories...and sugar cuz I can't do the sugar free syrup..anyway....Cream of wheat with 1/2 of a banana and 2 oz milk, and a sprinkle of sugar.

"Snack": 11:15

3 small Laffy Taffy, 2 Ritz crackers

Lunch: 12:15

1/2 pear, 1/2 baked potato, 1/2 cup cooked broccoli, 1/4 cup cheddar cheese, 2 T light sour cream, 2 slices bacon, 1/2 container Yoplait yogurt, green tea

Snack: 4:00 (after work out)

protein bar, 20 Dots candies

Dinner: 6:30

5 baby carrots, 1/2 cup whole grain spaghetti, 3 oz ground turkey, 1 pureed Roma tomato, 1 T. Parmesan cheese, water to drink

Went Nuts Snack: 8:30

mini oreos...finished the bag...maybe 15, Hot Tamales 15 (numbers are approximate...I was in some type of stupor and wasn't really counting)

After three days of writing down when I'm eating, and what I'm eating, I am noticing a couple of things I need to do differently. And I am also gonna need to figure out one real problem...

First issue is, I need to incorporate a morning snack. I feel so full after my breakfast, I guess I am thinking I will be fine until lunch. This has not been the case, and I end up grabbing stuff I shouldn't. I need to plan for this morning snack. Second issue is, I need to get all the candy out of the house. We do not usually have candy around all the time, but again, I chose to self sabotage and bought some that was on sale, 'for everybody else', but indeed bought things I liked. At least the last of the Christmas stocking candy is gone after today...

I made it to the gym in the afternoon for 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes of an upper body work out, along with 10 minutes of stretching. An afternoon workout helps with the part of my day that is usually really tough for snacking. I had a protein bar right after, but was weak and opened up the Dots I bought just a little while after.

I made cheeseburgers for the family last night, and then made myself something different. I am tracking my foods on livestrong.com but also sparkpeople.com. I like both of them for different reasons, but I like sparkpeople because they give you meal plans. I have been using that plan to get ideas and a bit of variety. The experiment for last night, at my meal plan suggestion, was using a pureed tomato as a sauce for ground turkey and putting it over spaghetti. I was really not looking forward to it as I saw the ground turkey soaking up the pale red tomato on the stove while I fixed the yummy cheeseburgers for the others. I added Italian seasoning, some salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and a bit of water to the turkey. I had whole grain spaghetti on hand, so tried that for the first time. I was actually surprised at how good this concoction was! The parmesan cheese that I added on top really helped to finish it up. I was stuffed after eating it and ready to go about my evening.

However, within about 45 minutes, there was this huge empty hole in my stomach. And this has been an issue every night. At first, I do my best to just drink water and tell myself I'll fight it until it's time for bed. And every night, this hasn't worked. So, this is my 'real problem' right now. I'm eating a good dinner, but my body is craving more and more at night. And I continue to do the wrong things when I'm feeling this...And last night was just a disaster. I pretty much said to hell with it, and started shoving things in my mouth. I was not surprised to see my weight go up this morning. Even without the 8 pm snacking disaster, I had gone over my allotted amount of calories for the day. For the most part, over the last year, I did not go crazy like this. Notice I said, for the most part...of course I must have, over the course of a year, but I don't recall losing it in my head like that. I need to figure out why things are different right now than they have been over the last year. Maybe it's because I haven't had a beer in a while :)

Day 3: A wake up call that something is amiss. Too much candy, but eating some good things too. Good thing there's always tomorrow! (or today, rather!)

Day 2

Today's weight: 179.5 The scale is moving in the right direction!

Yesterday's foods:

Breakfast: 1 1/2 egg whites, 1/2 whole egg (scrambled 3 egg whites and 1 whole egg together...Brooke and I split it, so that's how I got fractions :), 1/2 plain bagel, 2 tsp peanut butter, 1 orange, 1 cup skim milk

Lunch: salad made of, 2 cups raw baby spinach, 1/2 cup mandarin oranges (canned), 1 tsp olive oil, 1 T. apple cider vinegar, 1/2 boneless skinless chicken breast, water to drink

Snack: 2 stalks of celery with about 6 tsp peanut butter

Dinner: 1/2 country style pork rib, 1/2 cup cooked (fresh) green beans, water to drink

Oops of the day: 8 mini Oreos, 3 bites of a leftover donut from yesterday, 6 animal crackers, 25 M & Ms, 15 Skittles

The cookies, crackers, candy things were a result of the bags/boxes sitting out on the counter or table, and me walking by just grabbing a couple at a time. Note to self: Don't leave anything out for me to see! I don't need to be doing that! I am not beating myself up over this...I am still happy with what I ate yesterday.

I did get to the gym for 45 minutes on the elliptical and 3 sets of 12 crunches on the fit ball.

Day 2: I am happy with the amount of energy I experienced yesterday! Eating more of the right things, increasing my water intake and exercising are what I believe contributed to this.

Day 1

I signed up for a 12-week body transformation challenge at my gym. I want to win! $500 is nothing to sneeze at! The scale hasn't moved the last three or four months, so this challenge seems like good motivation to get me going again! I weighed in at the gym Saturday, and the official start to the challenge was yesterday. I am tracking my food intake on livestrong.com, as well as a notebook that I'm journaling thoughts and feelings in to. The gym weigh-in is always more than my home weigh-in, since I am actually wearing clothes there. I will just track home weigh-ins on here. I choose to weigh myself every morning, first thing. This doesn't work for everyone, but for me, it helps to keep me on track. Here are the facts:

Saturday weight: 181.5

Sunday weight: 181

Monday weight: 180.5

Yesterday's foods

Breakfast: Quaker oats, 1/2 banana, 4 oz. skim milk

Snack: 1/2 Krispy Kreme glazed donut

Lunch: 10 fresh strawberries mixed with 7 oz water and a protein supplement, blended w/ ice

Snack: 3/4 cup 1% cottage cheese, 2 Lay's potato chips, Brach's Cherry heart candies (like 15)

Dinner: Chicken tortilla casserole thingy

at least 8 8 0z. glasses of water, probably more like 9.5 over the whole day.

I take a multivitamin, a fish oil supplement, a joint support (glucosamine, etc) supplement, and acidophilus every morning.

This blog was helping me the first part of the day to resist some major temptations. I kept telling myself "you don't want to have to tell everyone that you messed up on the very first day!" One thing I learned over the last year, was that I could not deprive myself. If I did this, it made me want things even more, and I would end up falling off the wagon completely. So eventually yesterday, I ate 1/2 a donut and candy. Funny thing is...I can't blame anyone but myself because I bought those donuts and that candy. Self sabotage perhaps? I could point to my 2 hour trip to the grocery store, and putting everything away after, and my extreme hunger after all that, but really, I just wanted a little bit of the 'junk'. I thought because of how serious I am wanting to take this challenge that I could give all that up completely. I know what has worked, so why put extra pressure on myself? By doing that, I think it made me want that junk more!

I did not go to the gym yesterday. My domestic duties got in the way a bit. On livestrong.com, you can also track your activities as well as your food. I was pleased to see that grocery shopping and putting everything away was listed on there as exercise, so at least I did something!

I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. I'm not sure why my body has me waking at 5 am every day, but somehow I have to get the little ones to bed earlier than midnight so I can get more rest.

I'm trying to eat 'my' kind of meals at breakfast and lunch, and eating along with my family for dinner. I will just make sure my portions of the 'family' meal are smaller than normal. The casserole last night, for instance, had cheese and flour tortillas...stuff with lots of calories and little nutritional benefit. There were veggies and chicken too, so it wasn't all bad. I had a small portion and drank lots of water. My body will get used to the smaller portions again. The holiday season must have enlarged my stomach again.

Day 1: During the day, it didn't feel like much of a success...but in reality, I weigh less today, and stayed within my allotted amount of calories for the day, even with my little splurges. Bring on Day 2!

Goal

I haven't worn a bikini since I was 19. That was 20 years and 5 kids ago. I want to wear one again. Why? Because if I can proudly wear a bikini, it means I've learned how to achieve a goal. Me and goals haven't had the best of relationships. I struggle with knowing what my goals are, much less how to actually accomplish them if I do figure them out. But the one goal that seems to have been the constant over the last 20 years, was to feel better about myself.

I like to say that my weight issues began when I started having kids. But when I'm being really honest with myself, I can look back and see it all began once I went off to college. My first child came along a year and a half in to college, so it's hard to distinguish between the two life-changing experiences a lot of the time. But less physical activity, dorm food and lots of pizza were the beginning of that "freshman 15", and the start of what has now been a 22-year struggle.

I have gained and lost, but over the last 20 years, I can count on one hand the times I have actually felt good about the way my body looked. And up until the last couple of years, it was all about the way my body looked. I think the difference for me now, as I have been working on this new goal, is I want to be healthy, and feel better. So, over the last year, I have lost 40 pounds. And for this next year, my goal is to lose 40 more. This will put me at an 'ideal' weight for my height and age.

The purpose of this blog, is to hold myself accountable by keeping track, for all to see, what I'm eating, and drinking....what I'm struggling with....what's working, what's not. I want to share the triumphs as well as the times I fail. I hope that I can be an encouragement to anyone who may need it, by being 'real' about this whole weight loss thing. And, eventually, I want to post a picture of me, in a bikini, with a really big smile on my face.