Damn Day

Wellllll....I haven't made any changes since the last time I wrote. In fact, I think I've gone even more off the deep end. My husband keeps telling me I need mental help. I guess I probably do!!

I think I've gained another two pounds. It's hard to look at that and realize that I am basically where I was at the end of 2009. It would be so nice to see some good results again. But there are some things that need to happen. Somehow, I have to get to the gym. I knew it was going to be challenging when the weather got better, because I lost my afternoon 'babysitter' (my son) to the golf course. It has not worked to leave the work outs to the evening, because I haven't been going. Once dinner is over, it is time to be with my husband and it doesn't seem right to run off to the gym. I hate to say I've given up. But for the last month, it sure seems like it. I can't seem to control myself when it comes to my nutrition. I had Rice Krispie treats for breakfast. How's that for healthy? It was cereal, at least. And here for the next week or so, I will be on the road. Yes, I should make some healthy choices. Trouble is, when it comes right down to it lately, I haven't been able to. The junk keeps winning out. Am I purposely sabotaging myself? Or is my body just craving all this junk again? I can really see the difference in my body too. Just a couple of weeks ago, my trainer, who I now only work out with during a Saturday circuit class, made my day by stating, "your legs are really looking lean". I was loving how they were looking! There is still some muscle there, but they are looking flabby now...and not so lean. I just want to cry!

I'm stressing right now about so many things....I can't tell if my out of control eating is a response to that stress or some crazy will power issue or something deeper and needing serious therapy. I highly doubt I will be doing any work outs while I am gone. This trip will be a bit of a whirlwind through three different family gatherings...happy and sad. I just don't think I'll be running off to exercise...

I generally like to be a more uplifting person. I loved hearing I was an inspiration to some people. So I apologize for being a bit of a downer. Guess I have to remind myself that I have still lost a buttload of weight, even if I have put a few pounds back on. But I also need to remind myself of what I did to lose it so that I can keep it off, and shed these last remaining unhealthy pounds.

Damn these eating issues! Damn my love for junk food! Damn my laziness! Damn damn damn!!!

Day....What day is this? I need another Day 1!

I made good progress from January to mid-April. I was motivated. I was in the habit of eating better and going to the gym at least 3 times a week. I was blogging every day, or almost every day. I was keeping a food journal. I have discovered over the last month that it is way too easy to revert back to old bad habits.

I have this mental attitude that is all wrong and I need to work on it. I figure once I "mess up"....like eat a bucket of popcorn at the movies, that I might as well just go have a crazy meal, and a pop and a candy bar and who knows what else!...And I've been doing that for a month now. I told my trainer about that, and he said that's like accidentally hitting a kid with your car, and then going and deliberately finding his parents and hitting them too. That doesn't make any sense, nor does my attitude of just continuing my binges once I mess up a little.

I'm so disappointed in myself because it really seemed like I had developed good habits. I felt like taking a little time off after that challenge, but this is ridiculous!!! Today I woke up saying today was the day I would not grab the junk in the house. I promptly ate 2 Golden Oreo cookies first thing this morning. Once that happened, there went my attitude again. As I was polishing off a bag of Fritos just now, I decided I would head to my blog and let it all out here.

It looks like I've gained about 4 pounds back since the challenge ended. If I keep eating the way I'm eating, and making one trip to the gym a week, I'm gonna be in big trouble! So, here I am again, putting it out for all to see. I have a couple of things coming up that I was hoping would motivate me to get back on track. I have my cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks, and I hope I can at least get these 4 pounds back off before then. And then in July, I turn 40....Oh, how I would love to be down another couple of dress sizes before then!!

I don't want to be fat anymore!!! I am so much happier with how I look now...but I definitely have some work to do yet. Just take a look at my stomach the next time you see me. Then you'll see there is still work to be done!! On second thought, please keep your eyes on my face... :)

Tonight there is a taco dish on the menu for the family dinner. I imagine I'll eat that, and probably have a beer or two. Then tomorrow, I will start recording my food. With a road trip coming up, maybe it isn't the best time to try and start again, but I have to! Somehow, I have to get out of the bad funk I'm in!!!