Sunday, January 30, 2011

Day 16

I'll have you know, that as I typed up my blog entry yesterday, I was already setting myself up for a less than stellar day. It's so crazy that I can seem to want something so much, and yet I can't stay on the track to get there. I know we all flub up here and there...and I want to allow myself to do that without sinking into the depths of despair. However, this was something much different yesterday when I set out on my voyage for the day with an attitude of, "I don't give a s*#t what I eat or what I don't".

Breakfast: Starbucks oatmeal, nonfat vanilla latte
Lunch: Sonic cheeseburger, tots, DP
Snacks: an insane amount of Goldfish crackers, marshmallows
Dinner: Microwave popcorn

I didn't completely dive off the deep end and eat everything in sight yesterday...nor did I eat constantly all day. Hey, I'm trying to point out the positives....I'm surprised I didn't drink myself silly or something...Not sure what's wrong with my head, but something is off! Again, a complete lack of consumption of fruits or vegetables, except the dried fruit in my oatmeal. Also lacking lean protein yet again. And the kicker, I didn't get my butt to the gym. I made that conscious choice too, early on in the day. I knew I was going to take one day off this weekend, but I had thought it would be Sunday. Instead, I gave the finger to exercise for the day too.

Ok, so I really do hate being so bitchy...but there are a couple of things going on here, I think. Back in October, I was laid up for the entire month plus some of November with a terrible rash...I was sick, lethargic, and ultimately pretty dang sad (not to mention itchy!) After being free of it of a few weeks, it returned in December for a shorter amount of time and less severe, and again in January...even less time and less severe. About three days ago, I felt the beginnings of it again. It is the strangest thing....And I am terrified of getting it full blown again...that was one of the worst times I've experienced back in October, and I am scared of going there again. So, I freak out when it starts to happen...which I'm sure doesn't help anything. It consumes my thoughts, and I somehow start to feel sorry for myself...and look for food. :( The other thing, and I don't know if it's related to the rash or not, is that about 3 pm every day, I feel like I'm coming down with the flu or something. This has happened since last weekend. I thought I was just worn out from a fun filled trip...but it has continued every day. I get severely tired, and my body aches...sometimes I come out of it after laying down for a bit..but a few days this week, it caused me to just go to bed at about 8 pm. Unfortunately, when faced with physical challenges like this, instead of putting on the attitude of wanting to consume what is best for my body, I go the opposite direction and I want to eat junk. It's a terrible cycle really, because then eat the junk and get mad at myself for being that way. I have even refrained from buying junk, only to continue to find it in any way I can. I mean, marshmallows? Who sits down and eats marshmallows? They didn't even taste that good :( I'm reminded of a story Oprah told once about not buying any sweets, and being so desperate for something sweet that she found frozen hot dog buns in the freezer and ate them with syrup. I feel like that sometimes! I can keep out the 'bad' stuff, but it makes me just settle for stuff I don't even like that much that is just as bad for me. I have been sore from starting on resistance training again, and I don't know if that is contributing to the aches or what...I'm just thankful that I make it to the gym when I have the energy. I am used to the exercise giving me energy for the day, the dive I keep taking is really bumming me out.

Ok, lots of stuff rolling around in my head...wondering if I lack the proper motivation....if my goals are wrong...if I'm superficial...I can be pretty tough on myself but I didn't realize just how much until a friend challenged me to do an exercise and express the things I love about myself. I thought that would be easy...I love being a mom, after all...that is what has defined me for almost 21 years now. As we were challenging each other, my friend went ahead and said about herself, "I love my hair" and "I love that I'm silly". When I saw her answers (and I hope she doesn't mind that I am sharing this story...), I sat there and tried really hard to form a statement like that that I truly believed. I stole hers, and said that I too love that I am silly. I couldn't express anything else. I AM NOT telling you this story to get you to feel sorry for me. Instead, I am letting you know something I learned that day...that I've always thought it was because of my weight that I couldn't look at myself and love me because of how I LOOKED....that if I was happy with how I looked, the rest of my life would go smoother...because then I would have it 'all together'. As I continue this struggle with weight loss, I uncover more and more issues that are not just food (although I do think food is an issue in itself). So, it isn't just about how I look, but about what's inside, and the fact that I struggle to love myself. I can only hope that maybe by sharing this, that I can finally start to figure out how to start fixing that 'little' problem. Then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to express many things that I love about myself.

Oh how I wait for an epiphany that will make everything clear as to why I struggle with emotions and food. It seems I have had many...and each one seems to be the answer, until it doesn't seem to be the answer anymore. I really don't know if anything I've typed today really makes any sense. I know it's a lot to read, and for those of you who stuck with it, I applaud you! I'm gonna go see a movie now...and I'm probably gonna eat popcorn and have some pop. But I may not. Tune in tomorrow to see what happened :)

Day 16: Really? 16 days gone already, and no real progress? Hmmm....the progress may just be going on in other areas....

1 comment:

  1. Nice work on the self realization. I think you have to get your head on straight before you can work on the outside. You are going to get there, because losing weight is something you really want.