Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I've Lost Track of the Days

I don't even know what to write about anymore.  I'm finding it hard to discern what journey I'm on.  The drive I had to lose weight last year is gone.  I was hoping that a new 'drive' to be healthy, to find myself, to be content, would replace it.  I have the desire for all those things...but 'drive'?  Nope.  And I don't know why.  What does 'drive' me to do anything?

I have a couple bits of advice...DO NOT bring home a half gallon of your very favorite ice cream on Valentine's Day when your significant other is out of town.  It's amazing how quickly ice cream disappears as you scoop spoonful after spoonful in to your mouth.  Also, DO NOT go down the candy aisle at the grocery store at the end of a stressful trip with two youngsters in tow.  Not only do they have a ball throwing bags of candy in the cart, you are just harried enough to grab a large bag of Laffy Taffy and finish it off on the drive home.  Just two examples of how I am obviously not handling things so great with this food addiction I seem to have.  In these cases, loneliness and stress 'drove' me to go to the things I find most comforting...food.  And somehow, I give myself permission to indulge, because I 'deserve' it after the particular situations I have found myself in.  Those are two kinda big examples, but all day every day, it is like this for me!  "You worked so hard getting that floor clean...Of course you deserve a couple of pieces of pizza and a cupcake."  "Boy, that's a lot of laundry that has to be done...You better load up on some cookie dough before you tackle it."  Food is a reward, a motivator, an escape, rather than a fuel.

I was alarmed at the amount of strength I had lost by not working out for about 3 months.  It was almost as if I had not only lost all I had gained as far as strength, but I was starting out even weaker than when I very first began.  I was leaving my workouts feeling defeated.  And feeling defeated, well, is just another one of those feelings that makes me excuse some devouring of donuts or something.  Why in the world would a workout do that to me?  I started to wonder if I should just quit working out...just say to heck with everything.  I CANNOT DO THAT....I know too well that if I quit working out, and quit TRYING to do something about the food I eat, I will end up being in serious trouble as far as weight gain and health go.  I have seen how quickly my body puts on the weight.  I have to be thankful for the work I have already done and the work I am doing right now.

My assignment for now is to try and figure out why I seem to be afraid of succeeding.  Why else would I continue to sabotage myself?   For the last 20 years, I've felt my weight is holding me back from truly being me...from reaching my potential.  But maybe I am afraid of not having the excuse of the excess weight keeping me from achieving other goals.  So I'm afraid of succeeding at the weight loss, because then, I will be expected to actually work on something else!!

Lots to ponder...lots to figure out.  And while I ponder and figure things out, I will continue to go work out, and I will continue to try and increase the good food and decrease the bad.  All I can do is keep trying.


  1. I could have written this EXACT same blog post today. I think the fact you are willing to put all this out here gives you two steps down the road to success already!

  2. Thanks, Kari :) I fear that I am just sounding like a broken record these days...I appreciate you hanging in there with me!