Day 21

What can I say? I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about my weight. It's been a battle for about 20 years now, and I am worn out. I'm trying to figure out why my little crusade for 2011 hasn't been much of a crusade at all. Yesterday was supposed to be the start of it AGAIN...I started off fine, with some oatmeal and a banana. I had a decent lunch with a Green Giant frozen veggie/bean thing, and a couple bites of mac and cheese. I didn't feel the need to snack at all yesterday. I was drinking water. But then I went ahead and had some pizza on my way out the door to go to poker. And at poker, well, I went ahead and enjoyed a couple of Coors Lights. I don't think it was a terrible day. But it wasn't the 'perfect' day I had imagined. Of course, it's hard to have a 'perfect' eating day when you don't prepare for it. I do think that it is key is to plan ahead. I haven't been planning ahead at all.

As I sat holding my 5 year old boy in my lap this morning when he first woke up, I was soaking in the beauty that is my life. I looked at the mess of toys scattered on the floor, the piles of folded laundry all over the couch, and the pictures of my family. I took in the warmth we are fortunate to have in the house, while it's so darn cold outside. I found myself feeling content. How can this be? I'm still 50 lbs overweight, and my house is trashed...how can I be content? I started to get a little anxious, thinking I didn't want that feeling to go away. I tried to figure out how to make it stay...and I think that for now, I need to take the focus away from me. I want to focus on my family...I know all too well how fast these kids grow up. I don't want to look back and wonder why I wasn't truly present during these years, because I was distracted by my constant worry over weight. I realize it's a never-ending struggle as a mom and wife whether to put yourself first, or your kids, or your husband. I can't ignore my own needs and desires. But for now, I just want to be content. Am I giving up? Maybe. Or maybe just taking the pressure off, and seeing if things fall in to place.

I think a name change for the blog may be in order :)