Day 22

In an attempt to change the voices in my head, I will now try to talk about something I love about me.  It's such a tricky thing to do, because I don't want to sound conceited.  I would imagine that's one of the main reasons I haven't done it.  So, without practice, it is seeming very difficult.   It's been proven that people benefit from expressing gratitude like in a gratitude journal, so I have to believe that expressing love for myself, should benefit me too :)


Ok, so I do love my eyes.  Thank you, Mom and Dad, for that gift.  I don't even really know what color they are...I call them hazel, but there's really no brown in them, and I think the official definition of hazel includes brown.  They can look blue, and they can look green.  I feel somewhat unique being a dark-haired woman with lighter eyes.   They have served me well, since I haven't had glasses yet.  That doesn't mean that I don't need them...but I've functioned fine without the help of glasses, and I hope to continue that way for a while longer!  


Ok, phew....that was kinda tough.   Thanks to my friends who pointed out some things to get me started...I am certainly content with my eyes :)


Oh, how I wish I had some profound way to wrap this up.  My Day 22 of this 'challenge' found me anxiously awaiting the return of my husband from a 10 day business trip.  And then it found me sitting on the couch all night, cuddling up and watching TV with him.  We ate lasagna for dinner, and popcorn for a snack.  I loved on my husband, and I loved on my kids.  That was a pretty darn good day!  

Day 21

What can I say? I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about my weight. It's been a battle for about 20 years now, and I am worn out. I'm trying to figure out why my little crusade for 2011 hasn't been much of a crusade at all. Yesterday was supposed to be the start of it AGAIN...I started off fine, with some oatmeal and a banana. I had a decent lunch with a Green Giant frozen veggie/bean thing, and a couple bites of mac and cheese. I didn't feel the need to snack at all yesterday. I was drinking water. But then I went ahead and had some pizza on my way out the door to go to poker. And at poker, well, I went ahead and enjoyed a couple of Coors Lights. I don't think it was a terrible day. But it wasn't the 'perfect' day I had imagined. Of course, it's hard to have a 'perfect' eating day when you don't prepare for it. I do think that it is key is to plan ahead. I haven't been planning ahead at all.

As I sat holding my 5 year old boy in my lap this morning when he first woke up, I was soaking in the beauty that is my life. I looked at the mess of toys scattered on the floor, the piles of folded laundry all over the couch, and the pictures of my family. I took in the warmth we are fortunate to have in the house, while it's so darn cold outside. I found myself feeling content. How can this be? I'm still 50 lbs overweight, and my house is trashed...how can I be content? I started to get a little anxious, thinking I didn't want that feeling to go away. I tried to figure out how to make it stay...and I think that for now, I need to take the focus away from me. I want to focus on my family...I know all too well how fast these kids grow up. I don't want to look back and wonder why I wasn't truly present during these years, because I was distracted by my constant worry over weight. I realize it's a never-ending struggle as a mom and wife whether to put yourself first, or your kids, or your husband. I can't ignore my own needs and desires. But for now, I just want to be content. Am I giving up? Maybe. Or maybe just taking the pressure off, and seeing if things fall in to place.

I think a name change for the blog may be in order :)

Day 20

Another 'non-challenge' day was had yesterday. I definitely made it a choice to do that for one more day. I've done this so many times before....and it is totally against the philosophy I would like to adopt about messing up a little and getting back on track. I guess I just wanted to mess up a lot yesterday!

Breakfast: if you read the blog yesterday, you know it was chocolate chip cookies....

Lunch: Tomato soup, grilled ham and cheese on whole wheat

Snack: pretzels

Dinner: Wendy's (burger, fries, DP)

I drank about 60 oz of water

Still haven't made it to the gym. It was ridiculously cold yesterday so I didn't step a foot outside of the house. And I didn't take it upon myself to find some way to work out at home. I didn't feel good yesterday. Not gonna elaborate on that....if you have questions please refer to your middle school/junior high health class notes.

The craziest thing happened last night. I got a burst of energy, almost like a euphoria after my dinner. I described it to my husband as what an addict must feel when they get the drug of their choice. I started doing some laundry, sorting through a bunch of crap, and cleaning up a bit. After I had exerted myself for a couple of hours, my rash, which had seemingly improved during the day, flared up again. It got bright red, itchy, and hot. Lovely, eh? I stopped, as I didn't want to aggravate it any further. That little bit of 'exercise' has definitely made me apprehensive about actually doing a workout.

Day 20: I'm hoping it's the last real 'mess-up' day that I choose to have.

Day 19

The last week has been tough. I've had a bad attitude, haven't felt good, and pretty much gave up on the challenge. I definitely think there have been lots of things contributing to that bad attitude. Some I already knew, but some things I just realized last night. They could definitely be why it has been so tough. No matter how much I try to compartmentalize my life, one thing always ends up having an effect on another.

First, it truly was PMS, that was made clear today...I apologize to anyone who doesn't want to hear about woman 'problems' but I cannot dismiss the effect that my hormones have on how I feel and what I'm thinking and ultimately what I'm eating! I applaud the women who are somehow able to overcome these challenges...me? I had a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

Second, we have been potty training our little girl. It didn't dawn on me until last night that this particular project we are working on could be contributing to difficulties with my attitude. I have said that potty training is one of my least favorite parts of parenting....and here I am, facing it for the fifth time. My patience is put to the test. I am cleaning up lots of messes. I am trying to remain calm with a screaming and crying daughter who doesn't want to poop on the potty. (She's doing really well with the other part, but the whole number 2 thing is a challenge.) I have to realize that this added stress has probably helped me to be less tolerant of my own little challenges.

Let's see...I've talked about periods, poop and pee...What else can I bring up that will make everyone uncomfortable? Vomit?! Nah!!! Instead, how about my rash?....another wonderful challenge and wonderfully uncomfortable subject....I guess the rash would be circumstance number three that is adding to my bad attitude. I'm really going to be watching to see if the rash is connected to my monthly cycle...I am suspicious at this point.

The fourth circumstance that I should mention is that my husband is traveling. He has been gone for a week, and will be gone a couple more days. I didn't want to think that him being gone would have an effect on what I'm trying to accomplish. I wanted our transition to his traveling to go smoothly. I didn't want any issues creeping in. Why? Because I want him to be able to do the job he loves. I don't want to be an obstacle to him achieving career success and satisfaction. I actually don't think I have done too bad as far as handling kids' stuff and house stuff (well, not much has been accomplished on the house...crap!) But then when I look at how bad my attitude has been towards myself, I have to wonder if somehow I'm really not handling it as well as I think.

I hope to present to you a much more upbeat Kari in a few days. I really prefer being the one cracking jokes and making people smile! All of this introspection, although essential, is exhausting!

The good: the furnace is working (it's been like -100 degrees the last couple days...ok, that's a LITTLE bit of an exaggeration)

The bad: I haven't been to the gym since Friday

The ugly: did I mention my rash? ;)

I was not gonna document yesterday's food...but here goes:

Breakfast: Fruity Pebbles

Lunch: Cheez Its

Dinner: Chicken, spinach salad

Dessert: Coors Light

Let's see, also consumed at some point yesterday....three small pancakes, chocolate chip cookie dough, chocolate chip cookies, Pepsi...oh and about 80 oz of water....

Day 18

I will not call this giving up...but I think I should stop wasting everyone's time with this blog! It is pretty obvious that the Body Transformation Challenge has turned in to a Life Transformation Challenge or Mind Transformation Challenge. And the transformation isn't happening...I am thinking that I need to start over. But I'm always starting over....it's always after the weekend, or after this trip, or after this party, or after this snow day. The determination that shows up, wanes so quickly...especially when I don't see results right away.

My attitude is crap. Maybe it's still ok for me to blog on these kind of days because it's real....you can see the struggles I'm having. I had Fruity Pebbles for breakfast. I might bake a cake today because it's really cold outside and it will put smiles on my kids' faces. I will not be leaving the house since the wind chill is -35 degrees (that's not an exaggeration!). I won't be exercising because of the rash I have....getting hot and sweaty completely aggravates it. So, already, I have determined no progress will be made today. Hmmmm....shooting out those tires again....

The question has come up about the nature of this blog. Someone was wondering if maybe I was just writing the blog to get responses like "Kari, you're doing so great" or "Kari, you're just the greatest person who ever lived"..... After the really long entry the other day, I was worried that people would be thinking I was looking for sympathy or something. The only reason I started the blog last year, and then started it up again this year, was to document the 12 weeks of what was supposed to be a weight loss challenge. I wanted to be accountable to the people who might be reading my blog. I thought it would keep me on track. It definitely causes me to think twice before I grab a cheeseburger. So, I submit to you that I am not looking for sympathy, or pats on the back, or even solutions, although all of those things end up being fuel to keep me going sometimes. I am putting it out there for all to see because I hope that it helps me....and well, maybe helps somebody else too.

P.S. Yesterday's food:

Breakfast: 2 egg whites, 1 egg, scrambled with green pepper, whole wheat toast w/ peanut butter, apple

Lunch: leftover sweet and sour chicken, veggie egg roll

Snack: smoothie w/ banana, blueberries, spinach, 1%milk, protein supplement

Dinner: 1/4 of a frozen pizza, can of Pepsi

Dessert: chocolate mint protein bar

Got 80 oz of water in, didn't snack on crap....

Day 17

Short and sweet today....I did go to a movie yesterday, and I did eat popcorn and have pop. (The movie was GREAT, by the way! The King's Speech...go see it!) I did not go to the gym and we had Chinese take out for dinner. I am itchy, and plan on staying in the house all day today. Don't worry about me, though...I'm not diving in to despair. I am doing lots of self talk to keep me from heading that way!! I can do this, even with a rash :)

Day 16

I'll have you know, that as I typed up my blog entry yesterday, I was already setting myself up for a less than stellar day. It's so crazy that I can seem to want something so much, and yet I can't stay on the track to get there. I know we all flub up here and there...and I want to allow myself to do that without sinking into the depths of despair. However, this was something much different yesterday when I set out on my voyage for the day with an attitude of, "I don't give a s*#t what I eat or what I don't".

Breakfast: Starbucks oatmeal, nonfat vanilla latte

Lunch: Sonic cheeseburger, tots, DP

Snacks: an insane amount of Goldfish crackers, marshmallows

Dinner: Microwave popcorn

I didn't completely dive off the deep end and eat everything in sight yesterday...nor did I eat constantly all day. Hey, I'm trying to point out the positives....I'm surprised I didn't drink myself silly or something...Not sure what's wrong with my head, but something is off! Again, a complete lack of consumption of fruits or vegetables, except the dried fruit in my oatmeal. Also lacking lean protein yet again. And the kicker, I didn't get my butt to the gym. I made that conscious choice too, early on in the day. I knew I was going to take one day off this weekend, but I had thought it would be Sunday. Instead, I gave the finger to exercise for the day too.

Ok, so I really do hate being so bitchy...but there are a couple of things going on here, I think. Back in October, I was laid up for the entire month plus some of November with a terrible rash...I was sick, lethargic, and ultimately pretty dang sad (not to mention itchy!) After being free of it of a few weeks, it returned in December for a shorter amount of time and less severe, and again in January...even less time and less severe. About three days ago, I felt the beginnings of it again. It is the strangest thing....And I am terrified of getting it full blown again...that was one of the worst times I've experienced back in October, and I am scared of going there again. So, I freak out when it starts to happen...which I'm sure doesn't help anything. It consumes my thoughts, and I somehow start to feel sorry for myself...and look for comfort...in food. :( The other thing, and I don't know if it's related to the rash or not, is that about 3 pm every day, I feel like I'm coming down with the flu or something. This has happened since last weekend. I thought I was just worn out from a fun filled trip...but it has continued every day. I get severely tired, and my body aches...sometimes I come out of it after laying down for a bit..but a few days this week, it caused me to just go to bed at about 8 pm. Unfortunately, when faced with physical challenges like this, instead of putting on the attitude of wanting to consume what is best for my body, I go the opposite direction and I want to eat junk. It's a terrible cycle really, because then eat the junk and get mad at myself for being that way. I have even refrained from buying junk, only to continue to find it in any way I can. I mean, marshmallows? Who sits down and eats marshmallows? They didn't even taste that good :( I'm reminded of a story Oprah told once about not buying any sweets, and being so desperate for something sweet that she found frozen hot dog buns in the freezer and ate them with syrup. I feel like that sometimes! I can keep out the 'bad' stuff, but it makes me just settle for stuff I don't even like that much that is just as bad for me. I have been sore from starting on resistance training again, and I don't know if that is contributing to the aches or what...I'm just thankful that I make it to the gym when I have the energy. I am used to the exercise giving me energy for the day, though...so the dive I keep taking is really bumming me out.

Ok, lots of stuff rolling around in my head...wondering if I lack the proper motivation....if my goals are wrong...if I'm superficial...I can be pretty tough on myself but I didn't realize just how much until a friend challenged me to do an exercise and express the things I love about myself. I thought that would be easy...I love being a mom, after all...that is what has defined me for almost 21 years now. As we were challenging each other, my friend went ahead and said about herself, "I love my hair" and "I love that I'm silly". When I saw her answers (and I hope she doesn't mind that I am sharing this story...), I sat there and tried really hard to form a statement like that that I truly believed. I stole hers, and said that I too love that I am silly. I couldn't express anything else. I AM NOT telling you this story to get you to feel sorry for me. Instead, I am letting you know something I learned that day...that I've always thought it was because of my weight that I couldn't look at myself and love me because of how I LOOKED....that if I was happy with how I looked, the rest of my life would go smoother...because then I would have it 'all together'. As I continue this struggle with weight loss, I uncover more and more issues that are not just food (although I do think food is an issue in itself). So, it isn't just about how I look, but about what's inside, and the fact that I struggle to love myself. I can only hope that maybe by sharing this, that I can finally start to figure out how to start fixing that 'little' problem. Then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to express many things that I love about myself.

Oh how I wait for an epiphany that will make everything clear as to why I struggle with emotions and food. It seems I have had many...and each one seems to be the answer, until it doesn't seem to be the answer anymore. I really don't know if anything I've typed today really makes any sense. I know it's a lot to read, and for those of you who stuck with it, I applaud you! I'm gonna go see a movie now...and I'm probably gonna eat popcorn and have some pop. But I may not. Tune in tomorrow to see what happened :)

Day 16: Really? 16 days gone already, and no real progress? Hmmm....the progress may just be going on in other areas....