A Masterpiece

I heard a message yesterday that impacted me. As I sit and ponder 'why?' about something there is just no figuring out, I realize, I was meant to hear this message. There are many reasons for funerals.  I believe one of them, is to help us reflect on the life before us. And here is a wonderful visual that will forever be in my mind.  


Imagine going in to an art gallery, and walking up to a beautiful piece of art.  You walk up to it, and you get closer and closer until your nose is almost touching. As you look at this art that is supposed to be so amazing, from this view all you see is maybe black...just smudges of black oil. And you are wondering, "why is this beautiful?"  But then you step back, and you start to make out other essences of the painting. And as you step back further and further, you begin to see the beauty and the wonder of this work of art.  


Some of us may only be seeing black right now.  There may be questions as to why things are happening to us, or the people we love and care about.  Some of us may be looking at the painting and not seeing anything at all.  I just want to encourage everyone to step back or forward or to the side a little, and look at it a little differently.  At some point, I hope you will see a masterpiece...a life that means something, that is something beautiful, no matter the size of the painting.  I learned this yesterday.  A young man's painting may seem way too small, but oh, the beauty of it...oh, the joy it created in the hearts of others.  


"Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life.
We can't explain it any more than we can explain life itself.
We can't control it, or sometimes even postpone it.
All we can do is try to rise beyond the question,
"Why did it happen?"and begin to ask the question,"What do I do now that it has happened?"" 


What do I do now?  I continue to create my masterpiece...and I LOVE HARD!

Love Hard

I was given some encouragement that I should get back to writing in my blog.  For now, I will just share my thought from yesterday.  

Someone wrote on the wall of a sister grieving the loss of her brother, to "stay strong and love hard". Love hard....I wonder what it would look like if I did that. Some of us work hard, play hard, party hard....but I have never thought of loving hard. Love is so often associated with 'softness', like flowers and clouds and cuddly things. I think I want to love hard, because here are a few things that 'hard' means, by various dictionary definitions:

Solid, firm, and resistant to pressure; not easily broken, bent, or pierced.

With a great deal of effort.

Intense in force or degree

With great force, vigor, or energy

Firmly; securely

To love firmly, intensely, with great effort. I think we would all like to BE loved that way, so wouldn't it be good to put forth the effort TO love that way?  Stay strong and Love Hard!!

I've Lost Track of the Days

I don't even know what to write about anymore.  I'm finding it hard to discern what journey I'm on.  The drive I had to lose weight last year is gone.  I was hoping that a new 'drive' to be healthy, to find myself, to be content, would replace it.  I have the desire for all those things...but 'drive'?  Nope.  And I don't know why.  What does 'drive' me to do anything?

I have a couple bits of advice...DO NOT bring home a half gallon of your very favorite ice cream on Valentine's Day when your significant other is out of town.  It's amazing how quickly ice cream disappears as you scoop spoonful after spoonful in to your mouth.  Also, DO NOT go down the candy aisle at the grocery store at the end of a stressful trip with two youngsters in tow.  Not only do they have a ball throwing bags of candy in the cart, you are just harried enough to grab a large bag of Laffy Taffy and finish it off on the drive home.  Just two examples of how I am obviously not handling things so great with this food addiction I seem to have.  In these cases, loneliness and stress 'drove' me to go to the things I find most comforting...food.  And somehow, I give myself permission to indulge, because I 'deserve' it after the particular situations I have found myself in.  Those are two kinda big examples, but all day every day, it is like this for me!  "You worked so hard getting that floor clean...Of course you deserve a couple of pieces of pizza and a cupcake."  "Boy, that's a lot of laundry that has to be done...You better load up on some cookie dough before you tackle it."  Food is a reward, a motivator, an escape, rather than a fuel.

I was alarmed at the amount of strength I had lost by not working out for about 3 months.  It was almost as if I had not only lost all I had gained as far as strength, but I was starting out even weaker than when I very first began.  I was leaving my workouts feeling defeated.  And feeling defeated, well, is just another one of those feelings that makes me excuse some devouring of donuts or something.  Why in the world would a workout do that to me?  I started to wonder if I should just quit working out...just say to heck with everything.  I CANNOT DO THAT....I know too well that if I quit working out, and quit TRYING to do something about the food I eat, I will end up being in serious trouble as far as weight gain and health go.  I have seen how quickly my body puts on the weight.  I have to be thankful for the work I have already done and the work I am doing right now.

My assignment for now is to try and figure out why I seem to be afraid of succeeding.  Why else would I continue to sabotage myself?   For the last 20 years, I've felt my weight is holding me back from truly being me...from reaching my potential.  But maybe I am afraid of not having the excuse of the excess weight keeping me from achieving other goals.  So I'm afraid of succeeding at the weight loss, because then, I will be expected to actually work on something else!!

Lots to ponder...lots to figure out.  And while I ponder and figure things out, I will continue to go work out, and I will continue to try and increase the good food and decrease the bad.  All I can do is keep trying.

Days 28-31

First of all, Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!  Love or hate this day, I don't think it's a bad thing to take a day to deliberately think about giving love...and it doesn't just have to be about two love birds!

I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm not writing on a daily basis anymore.  I may get back to that or I may not...I find myself not really wanting to 'fess up to what I'm eating these days.  I'm not saying it has all gone to hell....I'm just not really limiting any certain things.  I'm just trying to keep from snacking on junk, and limiting my portion sizes.  Some days are better than others!

I made it to the gym Friday, and took a long walk outside on our beautiful Colorado Saturday morning.  I didn't feel so hot yesterday, so stayed at home.  My rash has decided to return...so much for the 'cycle' hypothesis.  It is certainly not time for my cycle to start, so the rash just seems to be coming and going as it pleases.  If this continues much longer, I guess I'm going to have to start returning to doctor's offices to see if we can figure it out.  As much as I try to stay calm about it, I end up freaking out.  Although it has been a fairly small area these last few times, I am terrified of it returning to its full blown glory that it was the first time it reared its ugly head.

One really great thing about the last week...I made dinner five out of seven nights.  The dinners weren't the greatest as far as lean protein and veggies or anything, but they were not fast food, or pizza...so I am happy about that!  Amazing what a little planning ahead can do!

I'm not really even considering myself a part of the challenge at the gym anymore.  Last year, this challenge helped me to lose about 10 pounds in 12 weeks...I was feeling really good!!  This year, however, I consider myself on Day 32 of an entirely different kind of challenge.  Yes, you can tell by the new title what part of the challenge is....contentment.  But as I reflect on the last month, I am beginning to realize I am being challenged to live my life right now...to not keep thinking I will be living my best life once I am the weight or size I want to be.  And I'm learning to love me for who I am now, and not who I used to be.  Although there are some qualities of the younger me that I would like to see return, I can't be that Kari anymore...I am who I am now because of the life I have lived.  It has been a good life..it IS a good life, and I want to celebrate it every single day, and not dwell on trying to return to some kind of Eden I tend to picture the life I had as the skinnier me.

I love that I can google search for anything these days..and I get wonderful quotes all the time.  I never  know who has really quoted certain things, but I do think a lot of them are worth passing along!
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."  

I'm challenging myself to remember this...maybe you can challenge yourself to remember it too!!

Day 27

Nobody stuck to the floors last night!  I do like having people over to my house...so why in the world do I need keep it presentable enough to do just that?!  Just another little something to work on.....

Guess what?  It's almost Valentine's Day.  That means there are cherry and cinnamon hearts at the store.  And I bought them to have in little bowls to serve at the meeting last night.  Yep, uh huh...that is exactly why I bought them.  Darn it if those things aren't so yummy.  You know what else is yummy?  A $5.00 heart-shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's.  And you know what goes well with that yummy pizza?  Well, a yummy beer, of course!!  By now, I think you have an idea of how yummy the meeting was last night!  :)

I was busy yesterday so I didn't have time to mess with snacking...I had oatmeal with a banana for breakfast, and that kept me full for a very long time.  I did a vigorous 30 minute resistance workout, but was unable to do the cardio after because my legs were shot.  I washed our floors on the main level, which is a nice little back and arm workout....lol!  (I got down on the floor and scrubbed...no mop!)  I have totally drawn a blank on what I ate for lunch...let me go consult livestrong.com and see if I recorded it.  Please hold....Oh yeah...I grabbed a Starbucks veggie, egg, cheese sandwich and a tall non-fat vanilla latte.  Other than a handful of pretzels at about 4 pm...that was all I had until the meeting.  I drank lots of water during the day...always a good thing!

In general, my state of mind is pretty positive right now.  I will just keep plugging away at balancing good and bad food.  I'll keep reminding myself to watch portions, and care about what kind of fuel I'm giving to my body.  I don't feel so foggy right now...I am totally gonna be watching this, because if hormones are whacking me out so bad, I'll need to be getting some help with that.

A question I am asking myself....."Do you choose to simply know the path, or do you choose to walk it?"


Here's to walking the path, ya'll!!!   

Day 26

Let me just start by saying that I shouldn't be blogging right now.  I have a mess of a house, and a meeting to be held here tonight.  So, I'll make this short and sweet!

Yesterday, I made it to the gym for a half hour on the elliptical.  It was TOUGH....my legs are jello.  Sure hope this improves soon.  My workout today wasn't much better...I had to cut it short.  No more time off...it's too hard to make up for the time I missed.  My body seems to regress much quicker than it used to. Is this one of the beautiful challenges of now being 40 years old?!

I did pretty good with eating yesterday, and drank lots of water.  I did break in to some ice cream last night, but I kept it at 1/2 cup (the serving size on the container) which is much smaller than I am used to dishing up.  My daughter ate half of it while she sat next to me, so I think I actually only had a 1/4 cup.  Just a taste, and almost enough to satisfy me at that time.  Until I grabbed about 10 reduced fat Pringles.  I sure wish somebody hadn't left those out on the end table....But I was ok with even these little food trysts...I had eaten sensibly the rest of the day, and done my exercise.  I'm allowed!

I never really felt fatigue set in yesterday.  I worked out in the afternoon when I usually get a snack attack.  I was definitely hungry after the workout, and ate some cereal to fill up since the protein bar hadn't been enough.

Crap...didn't I say this was gonna be short and sweet today?  Here I am still typing, and the floors are calling me to scrub them....To the ladies coming over here tonight...Please forgive me if you stick to the floor....

Days 23-25

I kinda forgot about blogging for a little bit.  Wait, that's a lie.  I thought about it, then I decided I didn't want to do it for a couple of days.  

I made a return to the gym yesterday after more than a week off.  I'm sore today, and a tad mad at myself for not going for so long.  BUT, the mood I was in last week made all kinds of things difficult.  Taking the pressure off has helped me.  I feel like I made better eating choices yesterday just because I wanted to feel good physically...not because I was desperate to see the scale move.  And I did feel better...not so sluggish!!  Amazing how that works!

The last couple of days, I've had fun keeping myself occupied with something other than thinking about my weight.  (It is actually pretty crazy to realize how much my mind thinks about that....)  I decided to spend a little time dropping by on people's walls on facebook, just to say 'hi'.  I know I like it when an unexpected message shows up on mine, so I thought why not connect with a few people every day?  It's been a fun thing to do every time I log on...I just write to 2 or 3 people pretty much at random.  I am really very thankful for the people I have connected with on facebook.  I just want to make sure they know that.  It's been a positive way to redirect some brain power :)

I did not have a good night's sleep last night.  A loud noise woke me up approximately 1.5 hours after I fell asleep.  After taking a walk through the house to see that everything was ok, I returned to bed only to   be awakened after about 2 hours to a child hopping up in to my bed.  Another 2 hours, another child.  This is not so rare an occurrence.  I decided to do something different today though...I decided I would not use any fatigue that I begin to feel as an excuse to grab something crappy to eat....a conscious decision to realize when I am feeling tired and choose something different at that moment.  So that's my assignment for the day...if I can accomplish that, I'm on my way to tackling some of these things that cause me to run to the cupboard.

A great quote I came across yesterday: "How you feel is up to you, not to anyone else in your life. Peace is the result of choosing to focus your mind on what is true and honorable and right. When you choose to do that, it is amazing how much peace will overtake your mind and heart."
—Jan Silvious

Here's to peace, people!!!

Day 22

In an attempt to change the voices in my head, I will now try to talk about something I love about me.  It's such a tricky thing to do, because I don't want to sound conceited.  I would imagine that's one of the main reasons I haven't done it.  So, without practice, it is seeming very difficult.   It's been proven that people benefit from expressing gratitude like in a gratitude journal, so I have to believe that expressing love for myself, should benefit me too :)


Ok, so I do love my eyes.  Thank you, Mom and Dad, for that gift.  I don't even really know what color they are...I call them hazel, but there's really no brown in them, and I think the official definition of hazel includes brown.  They can look blue, and they can look green.  I feel somewhat unique being a dark-haired woman with lighter eyes.   They have served me well, since I haven't had glasses yet.  That doesn't mean that I don't need them...but I've functioned fine without the help of glasses, and I hope to continue that way for a while longer!  


Ok, phew....that was kinda tough.   Thanks to my friends who pointed out some things to get me started...I am certainly content with my eyes :)


Oh, how I wish I had some profound way to wrap this up.  My Day 22 of this 'challenge' found me anxiously awaiting the return of my husband from a 10 day business trip.  And then it found me sitting on the couch all night, cuddling up and watching TV with him.  We ate lasagna for dinner, and popcorn for a snack.  I loved on my husband, and I loved on my kids.  That was a pretty darn good day!  

Day 21

What can I say? I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about my weight. It's been a battle for about 20 years now, and I am worn out. I'm trying to figure out why my little crusade for 2011 hasn't been much of a crusade at all. Yesterday was supposed to be the start of it AGAIN...I started off fine, with some oatmeal and a banana. I had a decent lunch with a Green Giant frozen veggie/bean thing, and a couple bites of mac and cheese. I didn't feel the need to snack at all yesterday. I was drinking water. But then I went ahead and had some pizza on my way out the door to go to poker. And at poker, well, I went ahead and enjoyed a couple of Coors Lights. I don't think it was a terrible day. But it wasn't the 'perfect' day I had imagined. Of course, it's hard to have a 'perfect' eating day when you don't prepare for it. I do think that it is key is to plan ahead. I haven't been planning ahead at all.

As I sat holding my 5 year old boy in my lap this morning when he first woke up, I was soaking in the beauty that is my life. I looked at the mess of toys scattered on the floor, the piles of folded laundry all over the couch, and the pictures of my family. I took in the warmth we are fortunate to have in the house, while it's so darn cold outside. I found myself feeling content. How can this be? I'm still 50 lbs overweight, and my house is trashed...how can I be content? I started to get a little anxious, thinking I didn't want that feeling to go away. I tried to figure out how to make it stay...and I think that for now, I need to take the focus away from me. I want to focus on my family...I know all too well how fast these kids grow up. I don't want to look back and wonder why I wasn't truly present during these years, because I was distracted by my constant worry over weight. I realize it's a never-ending struggle as a mom and wife whether to put yourself first, or your kids, or your husband. I can't ignore my own needs and desires. But for now, I just want to be content. Am I giving up? Maybe. Or maybe just taking the pressure off, and seeing if things fall in to place.

I think a name change for the blog may be in order :)

Day 20

Another 'non-challenge' day was had yesterday. I definitely made it a choice to do that for one more day. I've done this so many times before....and it is totally against the philosophy I would like to adopt about messing up a little and getting back on track. I guess I just wanted to mess up a lot yesterday!

Breakfast: if you read the blog yesterday, you know it was chocolate chip cookies....

Lunch: Tomato soup, grilled ham and cheese on whole wheat

Snack: pretzels

Dinner: Wendy's (burger, fries, DP)

I drank about 60 oz of water

Still haven't made it to the gym. It was ridiculously cold yesterday so I didn't step a foot outside of the house. And I didn't take it upon myself to find some way to work out at home. I didn't feel good yesterday. Not gonna elaborate on that....if you have questions please refer to your middle school/junior high health class notes.

The craziest thing happened last night. I got a burst of energy, almost like a euphoria after my dinner. I described it to my husband as what an addict must feel when they get the drug of their choice. I started doing some laundry, sorting through a bunch of crap, and cleaning up a bit. After I had exerted myself for a couple of hours, my rash, which had seemingly improved during the day, flared up again. It got bright red, itchy, and hot. Lovely, eh? I stopped, as I didn't want to aggravate it any further. That little bit of 'exercise' has definitely made me apprehensive about actually doing a workout.

Day 20: I'm hoping it's the last real 'mess-up' day that I choose to have.

Day 19

The last week has been tough. I've had a bad attitude, haven't felt good, and pretty much gave up on the challenge. I definitely think there have been lots of things contributing to that bad attitude. Some I already knew, but some things I just realized last night. They could definitely be why it has been so tough. No matter how much I try to compartmentalize my life, one thing always ends up having an effect on another.

First, it truly was PMS, that was made clear today...I apologize to anyone who doesn't want to hear about woman 'problems' but I cannot dismiss the effect that my hormones have on how I feel and what I'm thinking and ultimately what I'm eating! I applaud the women who are somehow able to overcome these challenges...me? I had a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

Second, we have been potty training our little girl. It didn't dawn on me until last night that this particular project we are working on could be contributing to difficulties with my attitude. I have said that potty training is one of my least favorite parts of parenting....and here I am, facing it for the fifth time. My patience is put to the test. I am cleaning up lots of messes. I am trying to remain calm with a screaming and crying daughter who doesn't want to poop on the potty. (She's doing really well with the other part, but the whole number 2 thing is a challenge.) I have to realize that this added stress has probably helped me to be less tolerant of my own little challenges.

Let's see...I've talked about periods, poop and pee...What else can I bring up that will make everyone uncomfortable? Vomit?! Nah!!! Instead, how about my rash?....another wonderful challenge and wonderfully uncomfortable subject....I guess the rash would be circumstance number three that is adding to my bad attitude. I'm really going to be watching to see if the rash is connected to my monthly cycle...I am suspicious at this point.

The fourth circumstance that I should mention is that my husband is traveling. He has been gone for a week, and will be gone a couple more days. I didn't want to think that him being gone would have an effect on what I'm trying to accomplish. I wanted our transition to his traveling to go smoothly. I didn't want any issues creeping in. Why? Because I want him to be able to do the job he loves. I don't want to be an obstacle to him achieving career success and satisfaction. I actually don't think I have done too bad as far as handling kids' stuff and house stuff (well, not much has been accomplished on the house...crap!) But then when I look at how bad my attitude has been towards myself, I have to wonder if somehow I'm really not handling it as well as I think.

I hope to present to you a much more upbeat Kari in a few days. I really prefer being the one cracking jokes and making people smile! All of this introspection, although essential, is exhausting!

The good: the furnace is working (it's been like -100 degrees the last couple days...ok, that's a LITTLE bit of an exaggeration)

The bad: I haven't been to the gym since Friday

The ugly: did I mention my rash? ;)

I was not gonna document yesterday's food...but here goes:

Breakfast: Fruity Pebbles

Lunch: Cheez Its

Dinner: Chicken, spinach salad

Dessert: Coors Light

Let's see, also consumed at some point yesterday....three small pancakes, chocolate chip cookie dough, chocolate chip cookies, Pepsi...oh and about 80 oz of water....

Day 18

I will not call this giving up...but I think I should stop wasting everyone's time with this blog! It is pretty obvious that the Body Transformation Challenge has turned in to a Life Transformation Challenge or Mind Transformation Challenge. And the transformation isn't happening...I am thinking that I need to start over. But I'm always starting over....it's always after the weekend, or after this trip, or after this party, or after this snow day. The determination that shows up, wanes so quickly...especially when I don't see results right away.

My attitude is crap. Maybe it's still ok for me to blog on these kind of days because it's real....you can see the struggles I'm having. I had Fruity Pebbles for breakfast. I might bake a cake today because it's really cold outside and it will put smiles on my kids' faces. I will not be leaving the house since the wind chill is -35 degrees (that's not an exaggeration!). I won't be exercising because of the rash I have....getting hot and sweaty completely aggravates it. So, already, I have determined no progress will be made today. Hmmmm....shooting out those tires again....

The question has come up about the nature of this blog. Someone was wondering if maybe I was just writing the blog to get responses like "Kari, you're doing so great" or "Kari, you're just the greatest person who ever lived"..... After the really long entry the other day, I was worried that people would be thinking I was looking for sympathy or something. The only reason I started the blog last year, and then started it up again this year, was to document the 12 weeks of what was supposed to be a weight loss challenge. I wanted to be accountable to the people who might be reading my blog. I thought it would keep me on track. It definitely causes me to think twice before I grab a cheeseburger. So, I submit to you that I am not looking for sympathy, or pats on the back, or even solutions, although all of those things end up being fuel to keep me going sometimes. I am putting it out there for all to see because I hope that it helps me....and well, maybe helps somebody else too.

P.S. Yesterday's food:

Breakfast: 2 egg whites, 1 egg, scrambled with green pepper, whole wheat toast w/ peanut butter, apple

Lunch: leftover sweet and sour chicken, veggie egg roll

Snack: smoothie w/ banana, blueberries, spinach, 1%milk, protein supplement

Dinner: 1/4 of a frozen pizza, can of Pepsi

Dessert: chocolate mint protein bar

Got 80 oz of water in, didn't snack on crap....

Day 17

Short and sweet today....I did go to a movie yesterday, and I did eat popcorn and have pop. (The movie was GREAT, by the way! The King's Speech...go see it!) I did not go to the gym and we had Chinese take out for dinner. I am itchy, and plan on staying in the house all day today. Don't worry about me, though...I'm not diving in to despair. I am doing lots of self talk to keep me from heading that way!! I can do this, even with a rash :)

Day 16

I'll have you know, that as I typed up my blog entry yesterday, I was already setting myself up for a less than stellar day. It's so crazy that I can seem to want something so much, and yet I can't stay on the track to get there. I know we all flub up here and there...and I want to allow myself to do that without sinking into the depths of despair. However, this was something much different yesterday when I set out on my voyage for the day with an attitude of, "I don't give a s*#t what I eat or what I don't".

Breakfast: Starbucks oatmeal, nonfat vanilla latte

Lunch: Sonic cheeseburger, tots, DP

Snacks: an insane amount of Goldfish crackers, marshmallows

Dinner: Microwave popcorn

I didn't completely dive off the deep end and eat everything in sight yesterday...nor did I eat constantly all day. Hey, I'm trying to point out the positives....I'm surprised I didn't drink myself silly or something...Not sure what's wrong with my head, but something is off! Again, a complete lack of consumption of fruits or vegetables, except the dried fruit in my oatmeal. Also lacking lean protein yet again. And the kicker, I didn't get my butt to the gym. I made that conscious choice too, early on in the day. I knew I was going to take one day off this weekend, but I had thought it would be Sunday. Instead, I gave the finger to exercise for the day too.

Ok, so I really do hate being so bitchy...but there are a couple of things going on here, I think. Back in October, I was laid up for the entire month plus some of November with a terrible rash...I was sick, lethargic, and ultimately pretty dang sad (not to mention itchy!) After being free of it of a few weeks, it returned in December for a shorter amount of time and less severe, and again in January...even less time and less severe. About three days ago, I felt the beginnings of it again. It is the strangest thing....And I am terrified of getting it full blown again...that was one of the worst times I've experienced back in October, and I am scared of going there again. So, I freak out when it starts to happen...which I'm sure doesn't help anything. It consumes my thoughts, and I somehow start to feel sorry for myself...and look for comfort...in food. :( The other thing, and I don't know if it's related to the rash or not, is that about 3 pm every day, I feel like I'm coming down with the flu or something. This has happened since last weekend. I thought I was just worn out from a fun filled trip...but it has continued every day. I get severely tired, and my body aches...sometimes I come out of it after laying down for a bit..but a few days this week, it caused me to just go to bed at about 8 pm. Unfortunately, when faced with physical challenges like this, instead of putting on the attitude of wanting to consume what is best for my body, I go the opposite direction and I want to eat junk. It's a terrible cycle really, because then eat the junk and get mad at myself for being that way. I have even refrained from buying junk, only to continue to find it in any way I can. I mean, marshmallows? Who sits down and eats marshmallows? They didn't even taste that good :( I'm reminded of a story Oprah told once about not buying any sweets, and being so desperate for something sweet that she found frozen hot dog buns in the freezer and ate them with syrup. I feel like that sometimes! I can keep out the 'bad' stuff, but it makes me just settle for stuff I don't even like that much that is just as bad for me. I have been sore from starting on resistance training again, and I don't know if that is contributing to the aches or what...I'm just thankful that I make it to the gym when I have the energy. I am used to the exercise giving me energy for the day, though...so the dive I keep taking is really bumming me out.

Ok, lots of stuff rolling around in my head...wondering if I lack the proper motivation....if my goals are wrong...if I'm superficial...I can be pretty tough on myself but I didn't realize just how much until a friend challenged me to do an exercise and express the things I love about myself. I thought that would be easy...I love being a mom, after all...that is what has defined me for almost 21 years now. As we were challenging each other, my friend went ahead and said about herself, "I love my hair" and "I love that I'm silly". When I saw her answers (and I hope she doesn't mind that I am sharing this story...), I sat there and tried really hard to form a statement like that that I truly believed. I stole hers, and said that I too love that I am silly. I couldn't express anything else. I AM NOT telling you this story to get you to feel sorry for me. Instead, I am letting you know something I learned that day...that I've always thought it was because of my weight that I couldn't look at myself and love me because of how I LOOKED....that if I was happy with how I looked, the rest of my life would go smoother...because then I would have it 'all together'. As I continue this struggle with weight loss, I uncover more and more issues that are not just food (although I do think food is an issue in itself). So, it isn't just about how I look, but about what's inside, and the fact that I struggle to love myself. I can only hope that maybe by sharing this, that I can finally start to figure out how to start fixing that 'little' problem. Then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to express many things that I love about myself.

Oh how I wait for an epiphany that will make everything clear as to why I struggle with emotions and food. It seems I have had many...and each one seems to be the answer, until it doesn't seem to be the answer anymore. I really don't know if anything I've typed today really makes any sense. I know it's a lot to read, and for those of you who stuck with it, I applaud you! I'm gonna go see a movie now...and I'm probably gonna eat popcorn and have some pop. But I may not. Tune in tomorrow to see what happened :)

Day 16: Really? 16 days gone already, and no real progress? Hmmm....the progress may just be going on in other areas....

Day 15

So, maybe I wasn't really ready to take on this challenge.

Two years ago when I started working out at my gym, and making changes in my diet, I started dropping weight pretty easily, with what seemed like minor changes. The biggest change was starting to exercise regularly. For the last year, it has been much harder to see results. I hate that I've gained back 20 pounds, but what I'm hating even more is that I am making changes again after months of reverting back to bad habits and inactivity, and I'm not seeing results. I mentioned yesterday that I'm maintaining now, whereas I was gaining before. I do realize this is progress, but I wanted to see rewards immediately, like I did before. And I know we can poke holes in what I'm eating...I know I can do better, and worse yet, I know what works....but there is some reason that I'm not doing it. Is there a therapist in the house?!

Ok, the bitching is out of the way for now...Here's yesterday's food consumption:

Breakfast: 2 egg whites, 1 whole egg scrambled with 1/2 green pepper and a sprinkle of italian cheese blend, whole wheat toast w/ 1 T. peanut butter, 1/2 apple, 4 oz skim milk

Workout: 30 minutes resistance/weight training, 20 minutes on the treadmill

Post Workout: Protein shake w/ blueberries and skim milk

Snack: dark chocolate covered pomegranate things (10)

Snack: pepsi (good choice, don't ya think?...sheesh...)

Dinner: Steamed Rice along with sample portions of pad thai, sesame chicken and royal chicken, 2 crab cheese wontons, Coors Light

I think I got about 70 oz of water in.

Not enough food, too much sodium, not enough water....blah blah blah....I apologize to anyone looking for inspiration today. Kari is FRUSTRATED with herself. Somehow I have to think of the positives. I continue to keep my portions on the small side. The take out last night tasted so good. I took a little of each, and I was satisfied with that. I listened to my body telling me it was full, and didn't eat some more just because it tasted good. There....I found a positive. Another positive is that I've experienced a couple of good nights of sleep. I have been struggling with sleeping well, mostly because of the musical beds we play with our 5 and 3 year old kids during the night. I realize sleep is just as important to this weight loss thing as the other changes I'm making, so I hope this trend continues. It stinks being ready for bed at 8:30, but I gotta go with what my body is telling me!

Day 15: Gorgeous day outside, tumultuous one inside of me. Maybe it's PMS. ;)

Day 14

Hello....ah, you know who it is by now, don't you?!!

Let me get a little bit of frustration out of the way first. Two weeks of working out nearly every day, and trying hard to watch my food intake...and I am not seeing a difference on the scale. It's like my little weekend trip wiped out all of the good I had done, and now this week has been a mental and physical struggle to do anything right. I know it isn't all about the scale. I do pat myself on the back for eating only half of an apple cobbler or getting all of my water in for the day. But dang it, I just want to see the results on the scale. Maybe my scale is broken. I think I should buy a new one.... ;)

yesterday:

Breakfast: 2 egg whites plus one whole egg scrambled with 1/2 chopped green pepper, 1/8 cup Italian cheese blend, 1 slice orowheat 100 % whole wheat toast w/ about 2 tsp of honey, 6 oz skim milk

Lunch: Chick Fil A (8 nuggets, waffle fries and Dr. Pepper)

Snack: 6 dark chocolate covered pomegranate things (size of blueberries)

Workout: 45 minutes on the elliptical...HARD (The machine said I burned over 500 calories...)

Dinner: Homemade soup (chicken, chicken broth, tomato sauce, corn, black beans, green chiles, a sprinkle of cheese), four saltine crackers

Dessert?: 1 Coors Light

Snack: about 20 gummy bears

I think I got about 70 oz of water in yesterday, so a little below my goal of 80 oz.

I'm sure most everything I had today was loaded with sodium, so I would imagine I'm retaining water like a sponge....

Yes, I went to Chick Fil A yesterday. And yes, I know they have salads and grilled chicken and fruit. Somehow, I have a hard time resisting those nuggets and waffle fries. Gee, I wonder how I got overweight? Fast food is definitely a weakness of mine. Best plan would be to stay away. I do know this. And for the first week of this challenge I did pretty good with that. I should go back and look, but I think maybe I didn't have any fast food at all...oh wait, I forgot...I had a little drop in to McDonald's. Well, anyway, once a week is quite an improvement over the several times I would find myself going through a drive thru. The kids had a blast playing at Chick Fil A and I thoroughly enjoyed my meal :)

Day 14: I seem to be doing a good job of maintaining my current weight...and this is much better than continuing to gain....Now, on to the dropping of it!!!

Day 13

Hello. My name is Kari, and I sometimes wish I hadn't decided to do this little exercise of putting my food consumption out for the whole world to see.

Food for yesterday consisted of the following: (I don't think I even need to try to categorize into 'meals'....ugh)

pop tart, pizza, microwave popcorn, gummy bears, chocolate chips, chicken tortilla soup, spinach, Coors Light, apple cobbler and ice cream (The portions were not bad of each of these things...except maybe the popcorn. Probably ate 3/4 of the bag)

I did manage to get a veggie in yesterday via the raw spinach...and a fruit via the apple cobbler HAHAHAHA. I did consume 80z of water, and I took a brisk 1.25 hour walk outside.

I don't have much to say except that this week I have been LAZY. Thank goodness I have managed to get exercise in instead of blowing that off. But I've been too lazy, or tired or something to get to the store and purchase the stuff that I need to eat healthy. So, I am grabbing whatever...not so mindlessly...I am very aware of what I'm grabbing, thanks to this little blog. And I curse every time, because the thought always goes through my mind that I will just conveniently forget to mention something, like the handful of chocolate chips, or the half a bag of gummy bears. Then I tell myself, what is the use of doing the blog, if you aren't gonna own up to what you are doing and what you are struggling with? There wouldn't be much point in that. So, I continue to tell it to you like it is!

Day 13: Trying to remember to look at the positives and not beat myself up. I did exercise, I watched my portions, I drank my water. :)

Day 12

Hello. My name is Kari, and I made it through another day.

Yesterday was just kind of a 'blah' day. I've already forgotten what I ate...oh wait...maybe I'm remembering some of it....

Breakfast: about 3/4 cup Cheerios w/ about 1/2 cup 1% milk

Workout: 5 minute warm up on the treadmill, 5 minutes of a straight jog, 20 minutes of intervals (running for a minute, walking for 2 minutes), 20 minutes on the elliptical

Post Workout/Lunch: Egg white sandwich from Starbucks, Tall nonfat vanilla latte (I really need to get to the store!)

Snack: 1/2 waffle, plain

Dinner: Green Giant Healthy Weight frozen veggie (black beans, edamame, carrots, green beans), 1 slice leftover thin crust Pizza Hut sausage pizza, water

Dessert: 2 white chocolate macadamia nut cookies

Snack: Microwave popcorn

I got 80 oz of water in throughout the day.

The only thing I really grabbed mindlessly was the waffle while I was making them for the kids. I am still greatly lacking in the fruits, veggies and good proteins. This will be remedied by a trip to the grocery store, which I just couldn't quite get to yesterday. I am encouraged that I didn't really go overboard on anything.

Today I started off less than perfect with a pop tart, and approximately 2 hours of sleep last night....but I'm not going to keep shooting holes in my tires. That's over and done, and I'm gonna do my best to make it a day of good choices.

Day 12: Meh...

Day 11

Hello. My name is Kari, and I am not good with flat tires.

I posted the following on my facebook about a week ago: "Remember that you don’t have to be perfect to lose weight. If you get off track, you just get right back on. Don’t let yourself sabotage the rest of the day or week or month. It’s like getting a flat tire—you fix it and move on, you don’t poke holes in the rest of your tires."

Oh how I wish I knew how to take to heart these things that I pass along!

I took a wonderful little trip to San Diego this weekend. I watched what I ate, and did not go overboard on anything. The alcohol was kept to two drinks the whole weekend. I did not do a whole bunch of snacking. We walked a lot, and I even rode a surrey for a while. (It did not have a fringe on top, for those of you that might be wondering). And even though I know that I didn't get enough water in over the weekend, and that flying causes all kinds of strange things in the body, I was so bummed to see a gain yesterday. I should have stayed off of the scale, but I have weighed myself on Monday mornings for 2 years now. I am keeping track, and I wanted to continue with that. But what it did to me yesterday was deflate a tire, and I poked holes in the rest of the tires all day long. I did get a workout in first thing...and it was a tough one. There was some good, but definitely a lot of bad that went on yesterday. I guess what I get so discouraged about is how long and hard I have to work to get the weight off, and how easily it comes back on in such a short amount of time. Ugh.

Breakfast: protein bar

Workout: 10 minutes elliptical, 30 minutes weight training, 20 minutes recumbent bike

Post Workout: Starbucks oatmeal, non fat vanilla latte

Lunch/afternoon snack: microwave popcorn and water

Dinner: an insane amount of Pizza Hut pizza....I could not stop eating, Pepsi

Throughout the entire day: Laffy Taffy...I just kept grabbing from the bag...why did I buy this anyway?!!!

Obviously, I was missing things like fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins yesterday....just your basic good and healthy food, really. And these are the things that would have filled me up so I wouldn't have felt the need to gorge myself on pizza at the end of the day. I know better!

I haven't eaten yet today, but am deciding if I will be good or bad. Yes, I am actually sitting here and it's like a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, trying to persuade me. The devil is saying, "Go ahead and make the pancakes your son is asking you to make, and enjoy them...as many as you want." The angel is saying, "Go scramble up your egg whites and some green peppers, and get back on track today." Then the devil says "you can get back on track tomorrow...enjoy one more day of crap food...you have to eat the leftover pizza for lunch anyway so it doesn't go to waste." And the angel...."Don't put it off, seize this moment". Gosh darn it, I wish they would both just shut up!!!

Moderation...how about I just aim for that today? As I transition back in to what I need to do, I will choose moderation. And I'll get to the gym and grocery store today. Such simple little goals really...I can achieve those :)

Day 11: Disappointing, but today's a new day! Blowing the tires back up, and gonna try my best to keep them inflated...or at least patch them up really well!

Days 7 through 10

Hello. My name is Kari, and I will not be blogging about Days 7 through 10. I'm having an adventure!!!